and raked their huge yard before the snow. And Tess Jacob needed a ride to Fullerton last week, and Kael drove her two hours there, waited another two hours while she visited her daughter in the hospital, and drove her back home. He’s a saint. And single.” She waggled her eyebrows.
I had no comeback for his saintly actions. “He’s single because he doesn’t believe in monogamy.”
“What?” Rachel drew her head back.
“It’s a long story. I’ll share it later.”
“You better. Bye, Elsie.”
Chapter Nine
I take care of three young kids, cook, and clean. I shouldn’t have to dominate him in the bedroom too. Grow a pair, buddy!
* * *
The upside to having grown kids—they were rarely home. The downside to having grown kids—they were rarely home. I liked my space—a quiet house—but I missed my people. I missed stories about their day, even if it was a bad day. I missed watching a rerun on TV while we cleaned up after dinner before taking Meadow for her evening walk. I missed the home that used to be my house.
And I wasn’t alone, as was evidenced by the full room of widows at our weekly support meeting.
“Tonight, I want to talk about moving forward with the grace of God leading us,” Rhonda opened the meeting. “I know it’s too soon for some of you, but others have approached me privately about this. So I think it’s something worth discussing. Our husbands would have wanted us to be happy. And everyone has a different definition of happiness. But if yours involves finding love again, then you shouldn’t feel ashamed or hindered by guilt. It’s possible to move on and love again if you pray for it to happen, and you let God help open your heart to someone special. A lot of women in our congregation have gone on to find love and marry again. One person in the group (who shall remain anonymous) called me last week with something heavy on her heart—intimacy. And I think this is a need that doesn’t go away just because we lose our spouse. So I want all of you to know … it’s okay. It’s okay to remarry. Some of you are so young, it would be heartbreaking to think of you giving up on love and a family. So … who wants to go first on this topic tonight?”
Everyone sat in silence for several awkward minutes.
“What if …” Kelly bit her thumbnail and wrinkled her nose.
“Yes, Kelly?” Rhonda prompted her. “There is no judgment, honey. This is a safe place.”
It wasn’t a safe place. It was the opposite of a safe place. It was a prayer room, a room to judge and be judged. We all knew it.
“What if I want intimacy, but I don’t want the uh … other stuff?”
“Sorry, I’m not following,” Rhonda said. “What do you mean other stuff?”
“Well, like … marriage. I’m not sure I want to be married again.”
“Why not?”
She shrugged, squirming in her seat. “It was exhausting. And I like my space. I like my time alone. I didn’t need it so much when I was younger, but now I do. But sometimes I just want … intimacy.”
Rhonda nodded slowly and folded her hands on her crossed leg. “Maybe you could find an online pen pal or join a club. The church has a coed volleyball team for singles that you could join and find someone who might enjoy occasional stimulating conversation. Before my husband and I got married, we used to meet at a park and watch the birds and squirrels for hours while discussing the second coming of Christ. I would walk home feeling so intellectually satisfied.” Rhonda let out a slow sigh of contentment.
Bethanne raised her hand slowly. We didn’t have to raise hands.
“Yes, Bethanne?”
Bethanne cleared her throat and shifted her attention to me. Why me? I had no idea, but it drew everyone else’s attention to me as well. And I started to sweat.
“I think … I think what Kelly means …” Bethanne cleared her throat again, wringing her hands together. “Well, I think since Elsie took the first step in really opening up our group to honest discussion by being brave in the face of the unknown, I want to do the same. So I’m just going to say it.”
I had no idea where she was going with any of her nonsense. My intentions were never to open the group up to some greater level of honesty. I wasn’t a hero or role model.