Well, yeah. That was safe to say. His panic might have been the least of all theirs. Cait and Trevor had both been flat-out terrified.
“Can we go sit down?” he asked.
Molly agreed, and this time he led her to the living room and their more familiar seats on the sofa. He chose the corner, let her take the middle cushion. She curled one leg beneath herself and looked at him, waiting.
He took her hand, because he had to be touching her. “There was the déjà vu factor. An unplanned pregnancy ruined my life, or so I’d always told myself. Now it was going to ruin Trevor’s, too.”
She nodded. Of all people, she understood that.
“I’ve always waged an internal war. How could I think my life was ruined when that pregnancy, my marriage, our decision to have a second child, also gave me the two people I loved most in the world?”
Deep thought always crinkled her forehead and pursed her lips. “You loved them too much to regret what happened and the choices you made.”
“That’s what I told myself. But I also think…” He took a deep breath. This was the hard part. “Maybe on some level, I decided love was what had ruined my life. I hadn’t been able to follow my dreams. I would have been able to if I didn’t love my children so much.”
Molly’s lashes fluttered. “That sort of makes sense.”
Richard laughed. “Sort of about covers it.” The burst of humor died. “None of this was conscious, you understand.”
“But it kept you from letting yourself love anyone else.”
“As it happened, the issue never arose.” He gave a half smile. “Until you. Falling for you didn’t trip the switch, either. No, it was any thought at all about the baby that did it. That baby could not become real to me.” He made sure she heard how deadly serious he was. “Because if it did, if I loved that kid, I was screwed. I didn’t know how or why, only that I couldn’t, didn’t dare.”
“Oh, Richard.” She leaned against him. “My turn. Don’t feel guilty. We can’t be responsible for our subterranean emotions. How can we be? You can’t reason with what you don’t know you’re feeling.”
“Easy excuse.”
“But true.”
“There’s more,” he admitted. “This part was more conscious, although it took me a while to get at it. It was fear. I loved Trevor and Brianna, and they were snatched away from me. I didn’t want to hurt like that again.”
She touched his cheek, her hand cupped and gentle. “We were all afraid of loving this baby and having to say goodbye.”
“But you had the guts to realize we didn’t have to.”
Molly pulled back, her eyes searching his, her expression troubled. “Richard…starting all over when the kids we have are almost college-age isn’t going to be easy. I truly can’t blame you if you don’t want to do it. I meant it when I said I don’t want to trap you. You’re feeling obligated now. But we won’t be happy if this isn’t what you wanted at all.”
Swallowing didn’t seem to reduce the huge lump in his throat. Richard bent forward and pressed his forehead against hers. He breathed in the scent of soap, salty tears and Molly. “I do want it. You, the baby, everything. Please, Molly. I want it all,” he managed to whisper.
Her body shook. Not, he saw when he lifted his head, with new tears. With hope, maybe. He needed to think that’s what it was.
“Molly, even if I had doubts about starting with a newborn, I still wouldn’t hesitate. This is something you need. Something that will make you happy, and me?” His voice was stripped to pure intensity. “What I need is for you to be happy.”
Her wobbly smile felt to him like the sun coming up, bright and warm. “Do you know what I’ve always told Cait?”
Richard shook his head.
“By the time she turned thirteen, she was rolling her eyes every time I said it. But the last time, she cried.”
Damn. He was about ready to cry.
“I always told her that I loved her no matter what. If she failed at something, if she was a brat, if she was mean to me....”
“If she got pregnant,” he realized.
She sniffed and nodded. “I kept saying, ‘I love you....’”
“No matter what.” His heart didn’t quite fit in there where it belonged anymore, but that was okay with him. Uncomfortable, but…good, too. “That’s how I love you, Molly Callahan. Will you marry me?”