possible for her to look, and then maybe, possibly, probably not, but possibly, she herself might check out one of those dating websites where you went to replace your spouse.
“There’s not a damned thing wrong with your body. You are average-sized, you deluded fool! You are an attractive, intelligent woman, you idiot! You should spend January lying in a hammock and eating cheese,” said Carmel’s sister Vanessa, who was furious with Joel and the fat-shaming patriarchy.
Carmel let her breasts drop and put a hand to the curve of her stomach. Average wasn’t good enough. Average was too big. Everyone knew that. There was an obesity crisis in this country! She didn’t want to fat-shame other people, but she certainly wanted to fat-shame herself because she deserved to be shamed. She used to be two sizes smaller and the reason she was now two sizes larger was not because of her four daughters; it was because she didn’t “take care of herself.” Women were meant to “take care of themselves.” That’s what men said on dating websites: I’d like a woman who takes care of herself. They meant: I want a thin woman.
And it wasn’t like the information wasn’t available on how to take care of yourself! Everyone knew you simply cut out carbs and sugar and trans fats from your diet! Celebrities generously revealed their secrets. They snacked on a “handful of nuts” or “two squares of dark antioxidant-rich chocolate”! They drank a lot of water, stayed out of the sun, and took the stairs! It wasn’t rocket science! But did Carmel ever take the stairs? No, she didn’t.
It was true that she often had the kids with her, and if they walked up too many stairs one of them was liable to run too far ahead while another one sat down and announced that her legs no longer worked, but still, there must have been times when Carmel could have built some “incidental exercise” into her lifestyle. And yet she hadn’t. She neglected her body, she didn’t get her hair cut for months on end, her eyebrows were left unplucked, she forgot to shave her legs, and it was no surprise her husband left her, because, as she tried to teach her children, actions had consequences.
She thought of the long sculpted lines of Masha’s body.
She imagined Masha living Carmel’s life, standing at the front door when Joel and Sonia dropped off the girls. Joel wouldn’t have left Masha in the first place, but say he did, then Masha’s heart wouldn’t hammer with pain and humiliation at the sight of her ex-husband and his new girlfriend. Masha wouldn’t curve her body around the door at a strange angle as if to hide it from Joel. Masha would stand tall and proud. She wouldn’t hunch her body to protect her raw, broken heart.
Her sister said Joel’s so-called “lack of attraction” was Joel’s problem, not hers. Her sister said Carmel should learn self-love and texted her links to articles about “intuitive eating” and “healthy at any size.” Carmel knew these articles were written by fat people to make fat people feel better about their sad fat lives.
If she could transform her body, she could transform her life, and she could move on from her failed marriage. That wasn’t deluded. That was a fact.
Her sister, who was both wealthy and generous—a most excellent combination—gave Carmel a card for her birthday that said: Carmel, I don’t think you need to lose weight. You’re beautiful and Joel is a shallow idiot and you should give ZERO FUCKS what he thinks. But if you’re determined to go on a health kick, I want you to do it in style and comfort. I’ve booked you into Tranquillum House for their ten-day cleanse while the kids are away. Enjoy! Ness xx PS And then come home and eat cheese.
Carmel hadn’t been that happy to receive a gift since she was a child.
Now she thought of Masha’s words: “In ten days, you will not be the person you are now.” The word “please” filled her mind. Please, please, please, let that be true, please, please, please, let me become someone other than this. She looked at her stupid, dopey, pleading face in the mirror. Her skin was rough and red like an old washerwoman’s hands. There was a picket fence of tiny lines neatly indented across her top lip, which was so thin it disappeared when she smiled. The only part of her body that was thin was her