‘Samir Khoury. Leave your name and number and I’ll get back to you.’
The tone beeps, and I intend to leave a message. Except I can’t find the words, not even a simple hello. It feels so damn forced. There’s nothing for me to do other than hang up and return to my bar stool.
‘Another?’ the bartender asks.
‘There’s a reason he left so abruptly,’ I say.
The bartender looks down at the empty stool beside me.
‘Oh, no. Not here,’ I assure him. ‘This morning, at the hotel. There has to be a reason.’
Yes, I know. I’m back to thinking about Jim again.
But last night something almost happened, I’m sure of it. A window opened.
‘I think he’s loyal,’ I say to the barman. ‘Jim. I don’t think he’d leave without a reason.’
‘Okay. You just let me know when you’d like a top-up, madam.’
‘Oh,’ I sigh, a little whiney. ‘I was hoping you’d say something more profound than that.’
‘Profound?’ the barman asks, like he’s never come across that word before.
‘Yeah, like, “Go after him, tell him how you feel!”’
‘Go after who?’
‘Jim!’
Unlike the stereotype, this barman is clearly not an actor. His blank expression tells me there’s no chance he’s going to indulge in my fantasy Hollywood movie scenario. He wipes the bar down, keen to stick to his true role, bar tending.
‘Anyway,’ I say. ‘I can’t go after him.’
I wait for the barman to ask why. He doesn’t, but he does pause to raise an eyebrow.
‘I’ve a more than good reason not to go after Jim Glover. And that reason is called Nick, or Greg, or whatever the fuck he’s called.’ I look up apologetically, not meaning to swear before this perfect stranger. He softens a little, still listening. ‘I can’t possibly do it again.’
Two ladies are waiting to be served and I lose the barman to them.
I think of Zein, my first boyfriend. I’m sure that was love, in some way. Except neither of us ever made a leap; we always kept our gestures small, our decisions on the line. Maybe Zein wanted me to go with him when he studied in Europe; wanted me to initiate. I just sat back, though. I let him go, let him leave me. Any hurt I’d felt from Zein meeting somebody else, well, I blamed on myself for never committing to him fully. It was easier to be happy for him.
The barman returns.
‘Should I let Jim go?’ I ask, taking a huge gulp of wine. ‘Or will I always wonder?’
My new book is on the bar. I could pass the time beautifully by reading this. Or I could go after Jim, take a leap of faith.
I gently edge my empty glass towards the barman.
‘Well?’ he asks.
‘I’m gonna make a move,’ I reply. ‘Or I’ll always wonder.’
Yes, I’m going to do it. I am! I’m going back to Liverpool, today, now. Right now. I arrived in this country with a plan, didn’t I? And true, that plan has not gone how I’d originally hoped, but it was a plan nonetheless to go to Liverpool and make a new life for myself. Perhaps the plan is still in motion; it’s just taken a different direction. Screw my things. They’ll be safe in Heathrow, surely? Somehow, I’m going to go and find Jim Glover.
Katie will crucify me for this, but I don’t care.
And this time I’ve got no mop to drag me down.
I get to Euston station, where trains go direct to Liverpool.
I stand beneath the vast timetable and see the next train to depart is 17.07. There’s a long queue at the ticket office, but there are also plenty of self-service machines free. They’re pretty simple to work out. I put my card into the slot.
I hover over the square on the screen that says ‘Buy Tickets’.
Press, press, press …
Hmm. What I’m doing is nothing short of crazy, right? To go all the way back to Liverpool, after such an epic journey getting away from the place? This is totally fucking crazy. And what’s more, I’m going to find the guy who brought me on that epic journey?
An energetic ball of nerves performs somersaults in my stomach.
We almost kissed … we …
Yes! I want to see Jim. Yes! I want totally fucking crazy. Otherwise what’s the point in living? I haven’t found what it is I’m looking for yet, so what harm can it do to keep trying, to give something else, something potentially wonderful, a damn shot? I have nothing to go back to Dubai