‘POW!’ Snowy says, bending his knees and elbows like a ninja. ‘Soz. Couldn’t help meself.’
It’s impressive how Griffo’s learnt to speak clearly, yet with minimal volume and no movement of either his upper or lower lip. He gathers all of the Dentists in.
‘Now, has anyone done this before?’
I break away from the huddle with a highly offended ‘NO’. Mikey and Snowy also step back and scoff, Snowy protesting, asking Griffo what the hell he takes us all for.
‘Fucking stereotypes!’ Snowy cries over being hushed. ‘Just ’cause we’re Scouse lads you reckon we’ve done this before? We’re not all dodgy like …’
Griffo raises his eyebrow.
‘Like me?’ he asks.
‘No, no,’ Snowy stammers. ‘I mean, yeah. No offence.’
‘None taken,’ Griffo says.
Mikey’s fuming. Pure FUMING.
‘But we’re playing up to the stereotype, aren’t we?’ he remarks, breathing heavily. ‘All that shit that’s said about Scousers, and yet here we are about to … We can’t. We can’t do this—’
‘Look. Stop it,’ I whisper as loud as possible. ‘For starters, you can all do one. I’m here now, after you planted the seed in me head, Michael – thanks very much, mate – and I can do this alone. You all think I’m so full of excuses, well, I’m about to show you I’m not. This is my solution, not yours. If you don’t wanna help, leave now. I won’t blame you.’
They seem to have listened, and they nod. We were united once as a band, and now we’re what? A band of criminals?
‘And this is not a crime we’re committing here,’ I say, convincing myself, too. ‘Technically.’
‘He’s right,’ Griffo chips in.
‘All I’m doing is taking what’s rightfully mine. That’s what you said, Griffo, isn’t it? In the pub. The car’s still rightfully mine. And those tyres, those beautiful nineteen-inch diamond-cut alloys, are mine. Won fairly and squarely. And that is what we’re taking, and that is what I’m selling.’
Snowy raises his hand for permission to speak, then speaks anyway.
‘Can’t you just get the car fixed? Pay the fine? I’ll lend you the dosh.’
‘I already suggested that,’ Griffo says.
‘Alright, big fella,’ Snowy snaps. ‘No one likes a showoff.’
‘Lads,’ I go on. ‘If I paid the fine, paid for insurance, then on top of all that, paid for the repair, it’d cost more than it’s worth for me to keep the bloody thing. What if it’s written off? I don’t know the extent of the damage; I’m no expert. It’d probably cost less to buy meself a second-hand car. And it’s not about driving around Liverpool or having me own wheels, is it? I don’t need a nice car. Or a shit car. I need money to get out of here. And if I don’t do it now … Look, I understand if you don’t wanna help me. But, lads, I could really do with the help.’
Mikey pats me on the back. Snowy follows, patting into a drum roll that develops into a quick hug. Griffo delegates.
‘Snowy, you’re on watch.’
‘Why him?’ Mikey scowls. ‘He’ll blow our cover.’
Griffo sighs. ‘He’s loud and he’s fast. He can shout if someone’s coming and run away to hide quicker than you, you slow-arsed little turd. Now, shut up and listen.’
Mikey’s the one to climb the chain link fence first, boosted by me and Griffo. This way, I’ll have a mate on both sides when I climb the fence, for physical support. You see, if I fall and break my leg, the whole Dubai trip is fucked. But, if Mikey falls and breaks his leg, he’ll get sick pay from the school and a few weeks off. No contest. Griffo’s confident enough to climb it without a boost. His dad’s taught him well.
Thankfully, we all get to the other side without breaking any bones and go in search of the BMW M3. Griffo’s got the registration number and the tipoff as to where it should be. It’s not difficult to spot. The boot is a massive giveaway.
‘Fuck me,’ Mikey says.
‘Ouch,’ Griffo says.
‘Tell me about it,’ I say.
As far as crimes go, according to Griffo, removing a tyre is speedy. This isn’t a crime, I tell myself over and over. I’m taking what’s rightfully mine. Griffo reckons he can get a grand in cash for all four tyres plus alloys on the black market, which is enough money to book a flight and spend a week in Leon Taylor’s place.
Griffo shines his phone’s torch over mine and Mikey’s heads as we remove each