why it had to happen, but her body was still fighting it. She took another deep breath followed by a couple more just for good measure.
Ethan must have noticed her anxiety because he started talking her down. He knew what she went through at times, knew how to calm her down. “It’s okay, Mia. This is just me and you. There’s no need for nerves. I love you, and regardless of what is said, I will still love you. So talk to me.”
“I don’t even know how to begin.” And she didn’t, but she did know that talk of Kristen would wait until after this was done.
“There are no rules, suga. Well, just one—be honest. Can we do that?”
She nodded and decided to just get to the heart of the matter. So with a loud exhale of breath, she asked what had been eating at her for months. “For some time, I felt there was something more—something you weren’t saying. I tried to get you to tell me that night when I slapped you and at my birthday party. I want to know. Because I think that is the answer to my question. How did we get here? How did it get to you with Kristen, Ethan? Before I left we were good, we were working through our issues.”
The words tumbled out of her mouth and she watched his face change from support to resolve as they crashed into him. He would fight. She just hoped it was for them.
“No … we weren’t. We were just having sex. You weren’t talking to me. I still didn’t know what was going on with you. I still didn’t have you. You weren’t there. You were never there. When you should have had a break, you found something to fill it. But it was never me. It was never your family,” he said, before pausing in thought for a moment, collecting them before he spoke. “You’ve been different the past couple years. You’ve been closed off to me. Still all smiles, but there was a part gone, a place you would not let me access. Kind of like your storage room. I tried so hard to crack that code, but no success. It’s like you thought that telling me about your past was it. No more need to talk to me, to tell me what was going on now. Yeah, you told me day-to-day stuff, but not what was bothering you. Nothing emotional. You would not let me in. It was like you didn’t want me.”
Her husband thought she didn’t want him when all she wanted was him—to make him happy, to give him those babies.
“Then there were those few times I saw you with Todd … that damn party you guys threw before the start of this past tour. I saw you with Todd and it started coming together for me. Yes, wrong. Totally wrong. God, do I realize that. But it made sense to me then. Perfect sense. You shared so much with him. You two had so much chemistry together. I fought with myself. Told myself you wouldn’t do that to me. Then that Skype call,” he started then let out a big puff of air. “I didn’t know what to think but putting together what I had seen before and that—all I could keep picturing was you and him together in that hotel room. Kissing him, fucking him. It drove me crazy. I kept thinking why was I not enough for you?”
He swallowed hard then looked up at her, his composure wavering a little. “So, that was my state of mind that night. And I’m not blaming you. I made the choice to do what I did. That is on me. I could have walked away, made a different choice. God, I wish I had made another choice. Then this wouldn’t be happening. You would be with me, in my arms, our family together.”
She listened to him tell her his reasons. She didn’t focus on Todd or the alleged affair. No, she focused on “You were never there, you have been different, you’ve been closed off to me.” She knew it to be true. Luke had said the same thing. And it all started after her miscarriage. The feelings of failing him and their dreams together. After trying for another year with no success, she had tucked that dream of five kids away, deep in her mind, locked away because the pain of her failure hurt too damn much.