Lizzie supplied and Mia nodded, gasping for air, sobbing.
“I thought you would hate me. I mean, I hated me. I hurt Tom. That pain was still there the last time I saw him and I think it was there because I had given up. It took me awhile, but I realized that he’d never forgive me if I gave up instead of fighting for what I wanted, what I gave him up for. After the funeral, I realized I was wasting my life away. I realized I couldn’t drown my demons. They unfortunately knew how to swim. My life was worth living. I had to do something else. It was time to face them and fight for what I wanted. I was ready to fight my past so I said yes to the movie. I focused on therapy. Though there were some unexpected setbacks, I decided not to take those lying down. I was going to live. And I was somehow going to get the life I wanted.”
She didn’t say the rest. She was still fighting and was afraid she was going to lose. That she would be alone without Ethan.
“After the overdose, I’d been going through the motions. I was just basically waiting to die. Tom’s death changed me. It saved my life.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me this?” Ethan asked. She heard the accusation in his voice and it pissed her off. Her earlier anger returned with a vengeance.
Goddamn it! Why do I feel so angry at him? She didn’t understand the rage, but it was there, latching on to her already heated emotions and multiplying exponentially. And she let it loose on the man in front of her—the cause of her recent pain and heartache.
“Oh, I didn’t realize I needed to tell you about all the guys I fucked when I wasn’t with you. Am I supposed to give you specifics? How they were different from you? How they were better? Worse? The list isn’t long! Most of them are in this goddamn house!”
Luke came to her side, grabbing her arm. “Stop. Now, Mia,” he warned. Ignoring him, she opened her closed fists and found her hands shaking as the tears rushed to her eyes. She looked up at Ethan.
“If I answer, will you?”
Luke’s face was next to hers. His angry voice growling in her ear. “This is your family. Do not hurt them because of what Ethan did.”
Oh, Mia knew she was being stubborn, but didn’t care right now. The need to hurt him, make him feel some of what she had felt over the past couple months, overpowered her.
Pushing away from Luke, she stood in front of her husband, her voice low, but full of all the anger and hurt she felt because of his affair. “How was Kristen? Did you like the feel of her fake breasts in your hands? In your mouth? Did you like the way she sucked your cock? Fuck! What is it about that whore that makes you keep going back to fuck her?”
“Goddamn it, Mia! Stop! Right now!” Luke ordered, pulling her to him. She shook him off and studied her husband. Ethan took her verbal outrage. His broad shoulders drooped in defeat. He would not fight that. He’d let her tell everyone what had happened. She basically just had … if they were paying any attention at all.
Fuck!
“I’m sorry,” she said, forcing herself to look at him. She tried to control the tears, but they spilled at the hurt so plain on his face.
Her mind was screaming to run and that’s what she did. Leaving the kitchen, she hurried through the house, and right out the front door to sit on the porch stairs.
The air was thick, the dark sky littered with clouds, blocking the moonlight. The street was quiet and she could hear her heart pound in her chest.
With her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands, she cried—cried for the lost time with Tom, the hurt she’d caused her husband, and for the mess of her marriage. Would the anger and hurt ever go away? It surprised her how the anger just popped up and latched on to her already turbulent emotions. And she directed it all at Ethan.
She couldn’t believe she’d just done that. She hadn’t listened to Luke. She just kept attacking, kept ignoring her friend who was only trying to help, trying to stop her from hurting Ethan … and herself … and everyone else.