Never Give Up - Heidi Lis Page 0,38
rocking him in my arms, I trace his little hand with my finger. The instant he feels my touch, he reached out and grabbed a hold. Tightening his grip unleashed a new set of tears and shivers as every emotion I can think of washes over me. He’s holding onto my finger as if it’s his lifeline, it’s a feeling I’ll never forget. No one will ever take this moment from us, not my parents, not the doctors, no one. This is my moment to savor, my son, my little boy. Watching him grasping my finger, I freaking love it and my heart rate spikes to an all-time high.
My once flowing tears of sorrow, morphed into happiness. Cradling him close, I kiss his head, and inhale his new born scent. My body easily recognizes him, it aches for him. Tightness burns my midsection, my uterus contracts, and my boobs throb they hurt so badly. I don’t waste a minute telling him how much I love him, how much I hate that he’s being taken from me. I even break open my heart more, telling him all about his daddy. When Micah’s name escapes my lips, I’m haunted by the fact he has no idea he even has a son. Oh, God… Micah… please forgive me for what I’m being forced to do… Know I had no choice.
As my mind is consumed with Micah, I look into my son’s eyes, and I rely on every ounce of strength I have to tell him the things Micah would never get the chance to. “One day, you will be just like your daddy. He’s the most remarkable person I know. He doesn’t know about you, but I know he would love you as much as I do.” My continual, vast-flowing tears make it difficult to see his cute little face. His cheeks are so big he looks like a cherub. Somewhat chuckling, I remember back to my own baby pictures. I had the same cheeks. He’s darling, just damn perfect.
Nurse Harkins, hardly says a word, she’s allowing us to have this uninterrupted time. Walking out of the room, she periodically comes back to check on us. She even let me feed him, while she takes care of her other patients. She’s truly an angel.
“Oh sweetie, I see a lot of new mothers every day. Most days, this is the best job to have, to see a new life come into this crazy world. Unfortunately, a few of those new moms I don’t have a lot of confidence in. It’s hard for me to put into words to explain this the right way. The hardest part is being more excited about the moment when the mother you’re helping seems not as overjoyed. Those situations are few, but they do happen. You’re the exception, though. It’s bittersweet, more of a tragedy. All alone, having no one by your side. I don’t know your story, and you don’t need to tell me. It’s written all over your face, in your eyes, and it spills out of you with every word you say to your son. You would have made an incredible mother, and one day I hope you do. For now, though, God, has another plan. You are doing the best you can child, and I’m so proud of you. Takes a hell of a lot of courage to sit here knowing your time is limited with him, yet you are making sure he knows how much you love him. Keep it with you, always.”
GASPING FOR AIR and drenched with sweat, I sit up straight in bed and reach for my throat. I had not dreamt of that night for a while, but I’m sure seeing Micah is why I’m having it tonight. How do I tell him? Do I tell him or do I never say a word? I’ve got no clue, and right now, I don’t want to think about it. I’m desperate to lie down and remember what it felt like to have him in my arms, having him reach out for my finger. I’m going to do just what Nurse Harkins told me to do… ‘keep him with you, always.’
Closing my eyes, I whisper, “Good night Michael, my baby, my son…always and forever.”
NOT THAT BIG OF a surprise, I called in sick the following morning. Liza never made it back home, but I had assumed she made it into work. Dr. Davis was, as ususal, concerned and instructed me to rest. I