Never Always Sometimes - Adi Alsaid Page 0,14

much like students in a classroom.

“Your job,” Julia continued, “will be to go into the men’s room and

make sure no one else is there. When you’ve cleared it, you give me

the signal by starting a dance-off, and I go in.”

“What happens once you corner him in the bathroom?”

“Flirtation,” Julia said, drawing the word out long under her

breath. It was easy to forget what she was talking about. No one

could make him laugh like she could, even if it was hidden away like

this, the laughter quiet but understood between them. How had he

not learned to be happy with just this? How had he not managed to

stifle the desire for more?

“This is by far one of your best plans.”

“I appreciate that,” she said, ignoring his sarcasm. “But you’re

clearly forgetting the snow fort I designed freshman year.”

“We live in California, Jules.”

“Just because it never snowed doesn’t mean it wasn’t a fantastic

DAVE 53

fort. The planning itself was pitch-perfect; it was the execution that,

at no fault of mine, fell short.” She smacked her palms down on the

table and looked over at the teachers. “We’re getting away from the

point. I need to do what many a teenage girl has done before and

seduce the sexy older man.”

Dave stole a glance at the side of her face and then joined in spying

on them. They’d decimated the chips and were raising their hands,

looking around for their waitress to ask for refills. Mr. Kahn was

polishing off his first margarita and grimacing from a brain freeze.

“Shocking that none of them have had to use the bathroom yet,” Dave

said.

“I know, right? Those are some sizeable drinks. Maybe Marroney

is much younger than he appears. God, he must be so virile.”

“I’m going to puke all over you. Good luck with the seduction

covered in my puke.”

“The stench of another man on me will only make him jealous.”

For the next twenty minutes, after they’d placed an order with

their waitress, they watched the teachers. At first they attempted to

be inconspicuous, but the teachers seemed to be in their own little

world, and once their drinks were refilled, they didn’t care much for

anything on the outside. Julia refined her strategy, and despite the

dull ache in his chest at the thought of her seducing anyone at all,

Dave helped. By the time Marroney stood up, Julia’s plan had been

tweaked to perfection. Or at least that’s what she said when she stood

up and pulled Dave by the arm, motioning for him to follow.

As per their revised plan, Dave sped up past Marroney and cut

54 NEVER ALWAYS SOMETIMES

him off before he got to the bathroom. No one else was in there.

He checked the two stalls for feet, just in case. Then he went to the

faucets and pretended to wash his hands as Marroney came in. Dave

tried to hide his face so that Marroney wouldn’t recognize him, then

said, “Urinals aren’t working. Gotta use a stall.”

“Thank you,” Marroney said. He entered the first stall without so

much as a glance at the functioning urinals. As soon as he shut the

door, Dave walked out of the bathroom, where Julia was waiting. She

was so excited, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, her

hands balled up into little fists.

“Okay, phase one complete,” he said. He put his hand on the back

of his neck, a nervous habit. “You realize this is insane, right?”

“You’re mispronouncing ‘genius.’”

She took a breath, like someone about to attempt swimming the

length of a pool underwater. And with that she walked into the men’s

bathroom.

Dave anxiously watched the door close behind her, casting a glance

to make sure no one had noticed. The hostess was on her phone; a

waitress was waiting at the window for a dish; the manager stood by

the bar, looking at something on a clipboard. Chili’s was probably the

best place for covert operations; no one cared enough to look around.

It was only about thirty seconds later that she came back out, a

huge, goofy grin on her face, color in her cheeks. She put her hands

on Dave and urged him back to the booth. “Retreat! Retreat!”

“What happened?”

“Dammit, man, fall back!” Julia cried, laughter on the edge of

DAVE 55

her voice. When they slipped back into the booth, back in their

conspiratorial hunch, she erupted into cackles while Dave could only

sit there and watch.

“I take it the meet-cute didn’t go as planned.”

“We should get the bill before the cops arrive.”

“Julia, what the hell happened in there?”

“I may have tickled him,” she said, still red and laughing, looking

over her shoulder toward the bathroom. “Accidentally.”

Dave stopped looking for the waitress to signal for the check. He

slouched closer to Julia. “How