and I was fourteen. I worked after school and I saw to it that she was fed, and clothed, and comfortable, even when I was not. I taught myself programming - not that I ever made a decent living out of that either - and then, when she was seventeen, when she had never hurt a soul, when she didn't even know what all the fighting and shouting was about, she was simply trapped-'
Wyler said, 'I can see why you volunteered for Rotor.'
'Oh yes. For a couple of years I was just numb. I joined the Office partly to keep my mind occupied and partly because I thought there would be danger in it. I rather looked forward to death for a while - if I could manage to do something useful en route. When the problem of placing an agent on Rotor was discussed, I volunteered for it. I wanted to get off Earth.'
'And now you're back. Do you regret that?'
'A little bit, yes, but Rotor choked me. With all its faults, Earth has room. If only you could have seen Roseanne, Garand. You have no idea. She wasn't pretty, but she had such eyes.' Fisher's own eyes were focused on the past, a slight pucker between his brows as though he were peering hard to clearly focus. 'Beautiful eyes, but frightening ones. It seemed to me that I could never meet them without feeling nervous. She could look right into you - if you know what I mean.'
'Actually, I don't,' said Wyler.
Fisher paid no attention. 'She always knew when you were lying or hiding the truth. You couldn't be silent without her guessing what the trouble was.'
'You're not going to tell me she was a telepath.'
'What? Oh no. She used to say she read expressions and listened to intonations. She said no-one could hide what they were thinking. No matter how you laughed, you could not hide the tragic undercurrent; no smile sufficed to hide bitterness. She tried to explain, but I could never grasp what it was she did. She was something special, Garand. I was in awe of her. And then my child was born. Marlene.'
'Yes?'
'She had the same eyes.'
'The baby had your sister's eyes?'
'Not immediately, but I watched them develop. When she was six months old, those eyes made me flinch.'
'Your wife flinched, too?'
'I never noticed her being affected, but then, she never had a sister Roseanne. Marlene hardly cried at all; she was peaceful. I remember Roseanne was like that as a baby. And Marlene didn't show any signs that she was going to be particularly pretty either. It was as though Roseanne had come back to me. So you see how hard it turned out to be.'
'Coming back to Earth, you mean.'
'Doing that and leaving them behind. It was like losing Roseanne a second time. I'll never see her now. Never!'
'But you came back anyway.'
'Loyalty! Duty! But if you want the truth, I almost didn't. I was standing there, torn. Torn apart, I was desperately wanting not to leave Roseanne - Marlene. You see, I confuse the names. And Eugenia - my wife - said to me in a heartbroken way, "If you knew where we were going, you wouldn't be so ready to turn back." And at that moment I didn't want to leave. I asked her to come to Earth with me. She refused. I asked her to let me take Ro - Marlene, at least. She refused. And then, when I might have given in and stayed, she went wild and ordered me out. And I went.'
Wyler stared at Fisher reflectively. ' "If you knew where we were going, you wouldn't be so ready to turn back." Is that what she said?'
'Yes, that's what she said. And when I said, "Why? Where is Rotor going?", she said, "To the stars." '
'That can't be right, Crile. You knew they were planning to go to the stars, but she said, "If you knew where we were going-" There was something you didn't know. What was it you didn't know?'
'What are you talking about? How can anyone know what he doesn't know?'
Wyler shrugged it off. 'Did you tell this to the Office during the debriefing?'
Fisher considered. 'I guess not. I didn't even think of it till I started telling you the story about how I nearly stayed.' He closed his eyes, then said slowly, 'No, this is the first time I've talked about that. It's the first time I've let myself think about