My Maddie (Hades Hangmen #8) - Tillie Cole Page 0,78

my ass… but he’d done other things… other fucked up, painful things. But the others… Flame didn’t know. Maddie didn’t know. I’d kept it to myself. All the things he’d done, I’d always kept to myself.

I scraped at my skin, trying to get the slut’s touch from my body, my poppa’s poisonous hands. Trying to get rid of the look of betrayal from Saffie’s eyes. “I’m not good enough for you,” I spoke to the shower, fucking praying it’d make its way to Saffie in her cabin. “I was never good enough. Not after what he’d done to me. After what they’d all done…” The fight drained from my body, but I stayed on the shower floor until it had run cold.

“Ash? You doing good in there?” Viking’s voice cut through the numbness that had overtaken me.

“Yeah,” I managed to call back. Making myself stand, I left the shower stall and wrapped myself in a towel. Blood seeped from my chest. I saw myself in the mirror. I turned away in disgust. I didn’t know the person who was looking back. I fucking hated this cunt. Hated everything he was.

I opened the door, holding my clothes in my arms. Viking was waiting, huge arms folded across his chest, as he waited by the kitchen counter. “Shit, Ash,” he said and reached for his cell phone. “I’m calling Rider.”

“Don’t,” I begged, and Viking looked up. “I’ll take care of it myself.”

Viking walked over. He stared down at me. He was a fucking giant. “He’ll be okay, you know. Madds will bring him back. She did it before. She can do it again. When it comes to Flame, that bitch is a miracle worker.” Viking’s jaw clenched. I felt my fucking walls of numbness crumbling. I didn’t want to feel again. I needed the numbness. I craved numbness. I didn’t want to feel... ever again. I was sick and tired of feeling life. If it was hard to live, it was fucking torture to feel.

“You can have Rudge’s room. If the fucker even comes home, I’ll give him the couch.” I nodded. As I turned to walk away, Viking grabbed my arm and yanked me against his chest. His huge fucking arms wrapped around me and he kissed my head. “You’re a survivor, kid. You Cade brothers are fucking made of titanium or some shit. You’ll get through this. You both will.” I held my breath so I wouldn’t fall apart. I pulled away from Viking. Without looking in his eyes, I made my way to the bedroom.

I shut and locked the door, dropping my clothes to the floor. I wiped away the tears and stared out of the window opposite. It framed the woods beyond. Then they came, the people I’d killed. One by one, they came to remind me of what I’d done. They always came. And then out walked Slash, just fucking staring at me through the window, the bullet wound in his head as fresh as the day it was made. Not now. I couldn’t take this now.

My eyes dropped to my jacket as I remembered what was inside. I searched the pocket and pulled out the packet of coke, the blade, and the rolled paper. I tipped the snow onto the dresser and cut it into lines. I snorted the coke line by line until I felt the addictive numbness it brought begin to seep into my bones. My shoulders relaxed and I let out a deep breath. I cracked my eyes open and looked out of the window. I exhaled in pure relief. They were gone… Slash had disappeared.

Staggering to the bed, I lay down and let the real world fucking fade away. As I closed my eyes I saw Saffie on top of me, in the forest. I was holding her hand and kissing her soft mouth. No poppa, no echoes of what he’d done to me, and let others do to me as a kid, no slut riding my cock, just Saffie and me—no one fucking else.

I could never have her in real life. So this would do. No, this was better than real life. Real life was fucked up and it hurt to live in it. This was better—numbed, no pain, and an angel by my side. Blond hair and brown eyes, and the smile she had just for me.

Fucking perfection.

Chapter Ten

Maddie

The fire in the living room gave off the only light in our cabin. The orange glow, which filtered into the bedroom,