This Is My Brain in Love - I. W. Gregorio Page 0,98

time all day, I don’t feel like I’m sliding slowly down a steep cliff. I’ve found purchase. I’m barely holding on, but I have a plan.

Jocelyn never comes back after going off to find her father. The last contact I had with her was a terse response to my e-mail, sent right after she left.

Thanks. I’ll look over them tomorrow.

It’s not what I want, but it’s a lifeline. I swear to myself that I won’t let it go.

This Is My Brain on Rage

JOCELYN

My dad is on the toilet when I find him, and I don’t care if it’s his safe space, or his only time to sit down and be alone all day. I bang on the door until my palm is a raw pink and my dad opens up with a shout. “Xiao Jia, ni ganshenme?”

On the sink behind him is the most recent World Journal, his usual bathroom reading. It’s been folded so the classified section is on top (who even reads paper newspapers anymore?) with the most prominent listings circled with a blue ballpoint pen. For some reason the sight of it (was he looking through it to try to find new jobs in New York or other restaurants in different towns to buy?) puts me over the edge. The whole last-ditch effort to save A-Plus was a lie. We had no chance.

“Did you know?” I demand, already almost breathless with anger. “Why didn’t you tell me Berger was kicking us out? He already has someone ready to sign a new lease. There were people in here just now taking pictures, ready to freaking tear out the pipes.” I make a ripping motion with my hands and my dad flinches away.

Just like that, all my dad’s puffed-up indignation deflates. He sighs and rubs his hand over his face. For a moment as he pulls the skin on his cheeks down, the bags under his eyes disappear, then when his hands fall away, they’re back, gray hollows making his eyes look sunken, creases and folds in his skin that are too deep and permanent to be laugh lines.

“Lease expire at end of month,” my dad admits finally. “Berger say we can go month to month until he find another tenant, but he just tell me today that he find someone who want to sign.”

I stagger with the weight of the news, can feel it pressing into my chest, hard and immovable. I grab at the doorframe to keep myself upright.

“What, then. Is that it?” I croak.

Dad shrugs, and I want to punch the passiveness out of him. “Berger give us until Friday to decide. But he want us to sign two-year lease.”

A two-year lease. That’ll take me through high school, up to my leaving for college. If I can even afford it.

“Is that even legal?”

“It his property, he do anything he want.”

“How much does it cost to break the lease again?”

“Ten thousand,” my dad says grimly.

“Jesus,” I groan. That’s practically two months’ profit. I slide down the wall and sit with my legs out, hands in between my knees. “But I thought we were doing better.”

“We are, Xiao Jia. Ni shuo duile,” my dad says. Then he sighs again and waves me out of the hallway. “Wo xi shou, zai jianghua.” I haul myself out as my dad washes his hands, and I walk back to the kitchen table. My dad’s laptop is there, along with a mess of papers.

“You do good, Xiao Jia.” My eyes prickle even as I think, Not good enough. “Things much better. This July we make maybe ten percent profit. But June, July, August, they best month of year. Winter months, not so good. And January, ppft. Fangpi.” He makes a farting sound, and I let out a mirthless laugh.

“We can still do better,” I insist. “The catering business is just getting off the ground, and there are still plenty of ideas for outreach, plus I haven’t really had time to look into how we can streamline operations better.…”

My dad starts shaking his head halfway through my speech and cuts in. “Xiao Jia, ni tai stressed. Tai overworked. In one month you need focus on school work again. This most important year, that what your counselor say. We need focus on your future. That why we need to move.”

I can only gape at my father, because he isn’t making any sense. “Are you kidding me? My future’s here. It’s not in the city anymore. You can’t yell at me for not caring about