This Is My Brain in Love - I. W. Gregorio Page 0,74

an appointment with some mental health clinic this minute, I think he’d do it.

But that is not going to happen.

“That sounds nice. No, really it does,” I say when he gives me a dubious look. “But… what you’re describing doesn’t really sound like me. I’m not having, like, stomach pains or anything. I’m just having a rough day. I’ll get over it. I don’t think I need to, like, talk to anyone.”

WILL

There’s so much to say after Jocelyn brushes off my suggestion. I want to tell her that no, she doesn’t have the same symptoms that I have, but that’s probably because it’s not anxiety that’s her issue, but some kind of mood disorder. I want to tell her that I’ve noticed that she only picks at her lunch these days, and that her cheeks are less full than they were even a month ago. I want to remind her that twice in the last week she’s been late in the morning because she said she had trouble getting out of bed.

Most of all, I wish I could show her how worried I am to see her being eaten up by guilt and low self-esteem. I wish she knew how much I wanted to see her happy.

This is where my father would insert, “But it’s okay to be sad sometimes.” And my mother, who would argue that grief and hardship is a normal part of the human condition, would agree, quoting that Nigerian proverb about how, no matter how long the night may be, the day is sure to come. It’s like my anxiety. Depression is a spectrum, too. Every single person who has ever existed has felt sad about something at some point in their life. So who am I to push Jocelyn when she says she doesn’t need a therapist?

This Is My Brain on Mute

JOCELYN

The next morning, Lauren White is the first one to show up for our casting call. When she comes in her nose gives a little wrinkle at the smell of lingering cleaning solution, and I feel an instant surge of dislike.

“Hiiiii, you must be Jocelyn! I’m Lauren. Is Priya here yet?” She searches around the empty restaurant, as if Priya’s going to be underneath a booth or hiding behind the counter. She’s only a little bit taller than I am, with a pixie haircut and dirty-blond hair with highlights. Priya told her to feel free to do her makeup at home to save time, so her face is all red lips and rosy cheeks, with heavy mascara and eyeliner that make her look like a real-life Bratz doll.

When Priya comes in with her brother Pranav, who is dressed up in a sharp navy business suit, I help Priya set up some shots while Pranav mercifully picks up conversation with Lauren. I’ve got to hand it to him—he’s pretty smooth, and even I can see the chemistry he has with Lauren.

Priya notices me frowning at Lauren and comes over to me. “You okay?” Priya whispers as she raises her external lights.

“Yeah, just tired,” I say. It’s as honest as I can be right now. I don’t want to bring up the scene she deleted. My heart feels sore still, but it’s not bleeding anymore, so I’m going to just let it be.

“I think today’s going to be really fun.”

And it almost is. Lauren, it turns out, is a freaking amazing actress, the type who can control her body language on the turn of a dime. One second she is her normal peppy, self-absorbed self, and the next second she is a world-weary waitress just passing the days until her next paycheck. I wish I had her talent—it would’ve made sneaking around so much easier.

Priya and I gradually slip into our working rhythm—her the close-up person, me the eye in the sky and facilitator, pointing out wide-angle issues and running for everything we need to make the shoot go smoothly. Things are almost right—or at least, they’re never exactly wrong. The day is just… muted.

After Pranav and Lauren leave, we run through the dailies, and they’re great, possibly even better than the day before. Priya’s practically glowing with satisfaction.

“Jocelyn, almost every take we made is usable. Can you believe it? I think we might be able to do this on two days of shooting. One day for reshoots, tops.”

“Good for you, that’s awesome.” Usually I’m charged when we go over our footage. Every single time it’s amazing to see my storyboards come to life with the