This Is My Brain in Love - I. W. Gregorio Page 0,69
cycle of self-loathing in its tracks. But when I turn to him, he’s staring at me solemnly, and so seriously that my heart races, waiting for the hammer to drop.
WILL
Reading Jocelyn’s personal statement is frightening. That’s a weird word choice, I know, and it’s not something I’d ever tell her, because it has nothing to do with her essay and everything to do with how I feel when someone lets me read a piece they’ve written.
I’ve always thought that writing down one’s truth is one of the most vulnerable things a human being can do, second only to the act of sharing that writing with another person. That’s why the literary device of reading someone’s diary is so effective—it’s a complete violation of one’s privacy and trust. When a friend—or non-girlfriend—gives you a piece of writing that they care about, it’s one of the most intimate things they can do. Lucky us that it doesn’t fall under Mr. Wu’s definition of “hanky-panky.”
I’m frightened that Jocelyn trusts me this much. It’s like I’ve been given an egg and asked to juggle it with a pile of rocks, and I am so, so terrified that I will drop this egg, shatter it into a mess of shell fragments and yolk that’s impossible to salvage.
When I’m editing something, I usually read it two times in a row before even forming an opinion of it. Once to get an overall take on how it makes me feel, then a second time to track back and parse out the components that pop and the ones that could be brought out more.
After my first pass of Jocelyn’s essay, I breathe out a sigh of relief because, thank God, it’s good. I won’t have to lie by omission or make up positive comments to soften any criticism I give. The writing is clean, her points salient, her word choice solid. As a personal statement it’s the perfect reflection of who she is: smart, honest, and witty.
The second pass is where I notice how it can get better: Jocelyn’s too modest. The essay focuses mostly on her experiences growing up and brushes over everything she’s done with A-Plus in a single sentence. She talks about her grades almost apologetically and doesn’t mention how she can add up five orders in her head within seconds, or tell just by looking at a shelf how much inventory she needs to order for the next month.
It’s not ideal to have the person you’re critiquing hovering over you as you formulate your thoughts, so that’s one thing I would do differently. When I finally look up from the essay, Jocelyn’s retreated to her living room couch, sitting with her shoulders hunched up and her leg bouncing, a wholesale supplier’s catalog on her lap. She’s not really reading it, though, and is focusing on her hands. She’s as frightened as I am.
“Jocelyn,” I say, in the same voice I use when my mom’s resting in her room with a migraine. “It’s really great.”
In an instant her brow unfurrows, her legs still. “You think so?” She looks up at me with a hopeful smile.
“Yeah. My guidance counselor once said that if a personal statement makes you want to grab a cup of coffee with the person, it’s done its job. You nailed it.”
Her smile is real now, radiant. I want so badly to go over to her, not even to kiss her, just to be able to put my forehead to hers so I can feel her warmth.
“Thank God,” she says. “I had no freaking clue what I was doing. I don’t know what they’re looking for. I’m not like some of the other people who are applying. I can’t talk about how I’m starting my own sustainable energy business or anything.”
“Well,” I say brightly. This is where I have to be careful about how I start juggling. I’ve weighed the egg in my hand, and I think I know how hard to toss it. “You’ve got your own strengths. I can’t imagine that anyone else out there has done as much as you have to sustain a business.”
“Okay.” Jocelyn shrugs, turning a little pink with my praise.
“Can I make a suggestion?” I turn her laptop over to her and point out a sentence I highlighted. “See here, where you say, ‘This past summer I’ve learned an incredible amount about how to grow a business, having taken the reins to improve my family restaurant’s bottom line.’ This is where you can really dig deep,