My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding - By Katya Starkey Page 0,89
at this very moment while he packs his bags. His best man, Vince, and some of his other mates are off on their overnight barge cruise stag-do. They’ll be boarding at Upton, floating down the River Severn, then docking at Worcester. I won’t see my fiancé until tomorrow morning at the wedding when I walk down the aisle.
My parents aren’t flying in from Spain until this afternoon, so until then I’ve got no one to keep me company at all. I’d tried calling Lara, but she hadn’t answered. I’d tried texting everyone about last minute wedding prep, but no one’s gotten back to me yet at all.
“Harrumph!” I exclaim loudly while throwing myself backwards onto the pillow. “Maybe I’ll go see a film or something… in Upton.”
“Honey.” Callum growls at me. “There’s no cinema in Upton.”
Rats. I’ve been caught out. “Isn’t there? I thought they built one.”
“You wouldn’t be aiming to check up on me, now would you?” Callum stops packing his bag and slides on top of me. “You know we aren’t allowed to see each other from now until the wedding.”
“Since when does a scientist believe in superstitious crap like that?”
He laughs and kisses the tip of my nose. “Oh, is that a superstition? I thought it was just something made up in the old days to keep the women from snooping on the groom’s stag do.”
“Why? You’re not actually letting Vince get stripper midgets for you, are you?”
Callum’s eyebrows shoot skyward in curiosity. “I hadn’t heard anything of the sort, but now that you mention it, a groom is required to have at least one stripper—”
“Don’t even think about it.” Grabbing his cheeks, I kiss him hard on the mouth. Then, just as quickly, I release him from my grasp and sit straight up. “I know what I’ll do today! Why didn’t I think of this idea before?”
“I kind of had an idea for something we could do right now, babe.”
Turning, I notice my fiancé’s boxer-briefs have gone rather pointy shaped. “Save it for the honeymoon!”
“Are you saying you want me to remain hard for the next seventy-two hours? I don’t think even Viagra pills are capable of making a bloke sustain—”
Exasperated, I shake my head. “Don’t be so silly. You’ve got packing to do, now get on with it.”
“Oh? Now you want me to leave? What happened to Little Miss Bored Knickers?”
Crossing my arms, I glare at him. “I’ll have you know she’s now become Little Miss Has Something To Do Kickers, so get going!”
After much grumbling and a few more attempts at what Callum terms: not wasting GoodWood, I finally see my fiancé off out the door.
Now I’m alone and I can get to the matter at hand. I’d completely forgotten about the hen do DVD gift I’d received. That is, I’d forgotten about it until the subject of strippers had come up. I’ve been avoiding any and all talk of strippers ever since coming face to face with the fact that my cousin’s boyfriend is a male stripper. Or should I say ever since I came face to groin with his…?
I shudder at the thought and pop the DVD into the player. When the screen lights up I’m amazed I’m even trying this.
The DVD I’ve just loaded is a stripper video. Not a movie with strippers on it. I don’t need that, I bought the Magic Mike DVD ages ago. It’s a how-to video for learning to do pole dancing! The hen-do gift came with its own pole that I just load up with water or sand in the base for stability. By the time I’m done learning this Callum won’t know what hit him! After we get back from honeymoon he’s going to wish we never went when I show him my new pole.
The instructor on the DVD makes pole dancing look so easy. I’ve filled the base of the pole with water as I don’t have sand to hand. The thing seems steady enough and I test it out by jumping up and holding on for dear life.
It holds my weight. What’s even more surprising is that my arms and legs are capable of holding myself up onto this metal stick. I haven’t wrapped myself around a pole since grade school when playing on the monkey-bars at break time.
While I’ve got a good enough grip on the stick, I figure I might as well try the suggested flip move the DVD instructor has just completed.