My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding - By Katya Starkey Page 0,38

turn and land on my back. My shoes are drenched, my new jeans are soaked and sticking to my skin and my t-shirt is plastered to my wet bra. I don’t even want to think of the muck that’s stuck into my dripping hair. From above, the moat had looked like a crystal clear stream. Now that I’ve gone swimming in it by force, I know for a fact that the body of water is more like a thriving pond, complete with its own lively eco-system.

I can hear a lot of shouting around the corner of the main gothic building. Voices of both men and women.

“Oh my god, Emily! Are you all right?”

I sigh in despair. If none of Oliver’s robots existed I don’t think anyone would have to ask me how I feel all the time. I seem to have the worst of luck when it comes to those bots malfunctioning.

Georgina and Brenda come dashing around the corner.

Sitting straight up, I panic. “Where’s the robot?”

“It’s okay,” Georgina tries to help me up. “My husband and the groundskeeper have got the penguin under control.”

“They have?” I’m gobsmacked as I get to my feet. I’m not surprised because Brenda is also helping me up, I’m surprised because I can’t imagine how those men have managed to control one of Oliver’s machines. Judging by the destruction caused to my cafe only a couple of days ago, I truly know how powerful those bots are. “How have they managed that then?” My voice quivers anxiously.

“They turned it off, of course.” Georgina attempts to wipe me down with a small tea towel.

I feel stupid for asking such an obvious question now. Of course the men would have just turned the robot off. Not that this news is useful information now. I sure wish I’d learned where the ‘off button’ was when Oliver had first left his grotesque robot at my cafe.

“I hope this doesn’t alter your plans for holding your wedding here, Emily.” Georgina sounds positively fretful. “I can promise you that our penguin robot will definitely not be on the premises at all for your special day.”

Beside me, Brenda harrumphs loudly. “I’ll have to speak with my soon-to-be-daughter-in-law. I’m quite certain she’ll be having doubts about holding her wedding at a place where she’s nearly been murdered.”

Whoa. I don’t know what’s suddenly got into my fiancé’s mother, but Brenda seems completely enraged at this entire fiasco.

“Come along, Emily. Let’s get you home and dry.”

I’m too astonished to speak, but I manage a departing suggestion to Georgina. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” I tell her as I shiver and walk towards my car. I guess it’s a good thing I’d left the towel on my driver’s seat because I can’t wait to crawl inside and crank up the heater. Even if it is a balmy twenty degrees out today, I’m absolutely shivering with cold. Though I’m not entirely certain the chills I’m experiencing are caused by being drenched from head to toe. On the contrary, I’m probably quivering from an instilled weariness of malfunctioning robots.

***

“Why didn’t you tell me your mother was going to be my new wedding planner?” Later in the evening I’m glad to be dry and warm when Callum returns home from work.

“She wanted it to be a surprise, love.” He kisses my temple. “You smell rather fresh.”

“That would be the scent of frog spawn you’re currently enjoying.”

Callum backs away and eyeballs me. “Is that a new shampoo?”

I hadn’t even text my fiancé about this afternoon’s latest robotic mishap. I was too distraught to do anything but lie in a hot bath. In retrospect, I probably should have showered afterwards and washed my hair.

“I’m losing it, Cal. I can’t take this anymore!”

“Take what, my darling?”

I wander into the sitting room and Callum follows while undoing his tie. “Don’t tell me one of Oliver’s robots trashed your cafe again, I’ll have that man’s head on a platter—”

“No, no.” I interrupt. “Today’s major robot malfunction was committed by a penguin.”

Now my fiancé looks really confused. “Have you been dieting again? You sound a bit light-headed.”

Honestly, I think I’m too tired to explain further. Sinking into the sofa I sigh loudly. “Food isn’t a worry, babe. It’s all these bloody robots that are doing my head in. Can we move to London or Scotland please?”

Callum sits next to me. “It would have to be Scotland if you wanted to avoid Oliver’s bots.”

I look at him questioningly.

“I found out today that Oliver has been granted funding