The Music of What Happens - Bill Konigsberg Page 0,25

their shorts, and I was like, Oh. Okay. Wow.

The tragic thing about this is that it was easier when I had nothing in common with him. Now that we did a truck exorcism together and I figured out he’s actually kinda cool, and now that I know he’s also gay, I have to contend with the mean practical joke of the universe. Which is to say: Now I have if not a gay friend at least a gay acquaintance. There are LGBTQ kids at school, but I am not exactly the most social person. So now I have a gay … something, and he is so far out of my league that we may as well live on different planets.

Yep. I’m pretty sure that’s worse. I focus on the Andy Gibb poster on my wall and ask: Andy, is this worse?

Yes, he says. Clearly worse, darling.

Dorcas turns her snout until she is facing me head-on, and she gets a little too up into my nostrils. I push her snout away, prop my head up on a satin pillow, and text Pam and Kayla.

Me: Whatcha up to

Kayla: Pretty Little Liars

Me: There are other shows out there. U should try watching one sometime

Pam: Nope

Me: Are u together?

Kayla: Yup

Me: Without me. Nice

Pam: Figured you were working?

Me: Not today long story. Dorcas wants to see you. Come over?

Kayla: Only if Lydia is there

Me: Nah no idea where shes been all day

Kayla: Fine well come anyway

Me: Yay

Thank God for Pam and Kayla. My life was so boring before them. We became friends spring semester of freshman year, when we were in the musical Birds of Paradise together. I played Homer, the talented, nerdy actor hopelessly in love with Julia, played by Kayla. Pam played Hope, who was in love with Homer. The love triangle was awkward as fuck for a while. I thought they were mean girls who hated me. Then they came over one day, ostensibly to practice lines, and they did a gay intervention.

“You’re gay, you know,” Kayla said. She was standing in our living room, her arms crossed, Pam right at her side.

I don’t know what they expected. Tears? Me to be like, Oh my God! You’re right! How did I not realize this?

“Duh,” I said.

Pam and Kayla locked eyes.

“Oh,” Pam said. “So you know that already.”

I repeated, “Duh.”

“We thought you were a hopeless closet case. We were, like, going to help you come out.”

“I’m hopeless. Just not a closet case.”

This made them laugh, and we all loosened up, and suddenly the play got way better. Or I should say, the play was still awful because I am not a great singer, and Pam is also not a great singer, but we had a total blast and I was let into the club. We’ve been inseparable ever since. Kayla is still all about theater. Pam and I have never done another show. Pam moved on to volleyball and I moved on to lying in my waterbed with Dorcas, doing nothing.

I jump off the bed and Dorcas leaps off too, wagging her tail at me. Poor thing. Summers suck for Dorcas. Any time after about nine in the morning, the sidewalk is too hot for her. So is the tile next to the pool. She can go out the doggie door to do her business on the shaded side of the house, but that’s about all the fun she has. I normally take her for a morning walk, but now that I’m working starting at five, she’s not getting that either. I know my mom isn’t picking up the slack, so she’s getting basically no exercise. Poor girl.

I get an idea I love.

I pat the side of my leg, which means follow me. Dorcas walks at my side to my mom’s bedroom, which is at DEFCON 3. Her treadmill-hamper is covered with clothing from the past two weeks, I’m guessing, and there are empty soda cans and four half-full glasses with various rotting liquids on her night table. I roll my eyes. I don’t feel like cleaning up right now, but I go to her treadmill and carry her dirty clothes to the actual hamper in the corner. Dorcas follows me every step, which is part of why I need to teach her how to exercise inside. Mom used to at least hang with her all day, but I think Mom’s forgotten about Dorcas, pretty much.

We got Dorcas a year after my dad died. Mom was in this short-lived religious phase — hence