Murder_ A Sinful Secrets Romance - Ella James Page 0,154

Maybe things were so bad, you wanted the pain. To have control over yourself or…I don’t know. But you can be a different person now, I swear, I know you can. Not can—are. You’re here now. You won’t go back there. You couldn’t if you wanted to. So I think maybe you should let that person go. Because he is gone.

“You’re not a sniper anymore…” I wrap both arms around his back, and Barrett leans against me, quiet and still. “You’re not a killer, Bear. You’re my neighbor… You live in the woods. With bears, and a weird girl who makes cakes with beer. You still look like the other Barrett… You have scars of his. But you— I know this Barrett. You’re sweet and brave and strong.” I stroke his soft hair. “What was left from all that stuff, what you came back with—the day you met up with Kellan and Cleo and they drove you to rehab your arm—that guy: the one who moved here and saw me at the meeting… You are him. And he does not deserve to hurt.”

I take his face in my hands; he lifts his head off my shoulder and I stare deep into his eyes.

“If it doesn’t ring true to you, you have to believe me. Because in this way, I can see more clearly what’s right… your brother can… Cleo can… You are someone new now. The other Barrett, that one…” I shake my head, struggling for words. “Maybe you feel so bad because you’re holding onto someone who is gone. And maybe you should mourn him. He isn’t coming back. And who you were before then?” My voice cracks. “I have one of those too. This ghost version. She isn’t coming back either. You know what I mean?”

His wet eyes blink at mine. His sweet, still face… I cup his jaw, stroking gently over his soft skin.

“That Bear is gone. And you can miss him. Miss him. I miss the old Gwen. She was different, but you might have liked her.”

Tears slide down his cheeks.

“The Barrett who enlisted? Dead. The Barrett who was over there? He’s gone, too. He probably died with Breck.”

His features tighten. He pulls me close and buries his face in my shoulder.

“I wish he had,” he chokes.

“I know.” I hug him tightly, wrap my hand around the back of his head. “I know. Now you’re someone else, and even though they feel so strong, all that, your memories—are only memories now. We can’t reach back in time, you know? So you have to think of yourself as someone new now. You’re what’s left. And all the misery? That stuff belongs with the dead.”

“You can’t see it?”

“See what?”

He shoulders shiver. “I feel…like everyone can see it,” he says in a broken voice.

“What can we see?”

“I’m not just a guy.”

“You are.” I stroke his strong back. “You’re my guy next door.” His eyes flicker to mine. They’re dark. “Let me ask you this, Barrett: Have you killed anybody here?”

His face pales. I feel bad about asking such a harsh question, but I press on. “Have you?”

“No.”

“Have you lost any friends in that house next door? In real time?”

He shakes his head.

“Heard a bomb?”

He shakes his head again.

“Have you been wounded there?” I smirk slightly, remembering our meeting. “In a serious way?”

He shakes his head.

“You’re not going to see another IED, Barrett. One time when you were dreaming, you were talking about a tourniquet. You don’t have one of those here. You don’t need one here. The Barrett who needed one is gone. You have to leave him there. I think you did already. Maybe part of you feels like you have to get him back. To sort through all that and atone…” I gnaw my lip, shaking my head. “I don’t know what’s in your mind, but I know you can’t. The only thing you have is from this point forward, and from here on out, you are not an Operator. You’re just my neighbor. Someone I love. You can’t be anybody else, unless you want to. Choose to. And that person would be new, too.”

I stroke the back of his head. “You—the one here now—are who I want. And I love you, Barrett. I want you to be fed well and feel good. You are beautiful to me…and valuable. I want to keep you.”

He holds me tightly. “I love you…Gwen. I don’t know how to…not be scared.”

Of what, I almost ask, but I think I can fill