How do you say sorry I wasn't there for you, that I wasn't strong enough, that I should have shot the bastard when I first had the chance? How can you say those things when he's no longer around to hear the words?
And how can you get over the grief when his body is little more than memories on the wind and his soul long gone from this life?
You couldn't. I couldn't.
So I just stood there on the edge of the precipice, surrounded by the dark beauty of the Grampian Mountains and buffeted by a wind that seemed to echo with wild hoofbeats.
These weren't the mountains Kade had been born in, but they were the ones that he had chosen in death. His ashes had been scattered here three months ago, the funeral attended by his mares, his children, and his coworkers from the Directorate.
By everyone except me.
I'd been caught in a battle of my own, hovering between this world and the next, torn between the desire to die and the reluctance to simply give up.
In the end I'd chosen life over death, but it wasn't my twin who'd pulled me from the brink, nor was it the vampire who held my heart. My savior had come in the form of a blond-haired little girl with bright violet eyes that saw too much.
But there'd been no savior for Kade.
There should have been, but I'd failed him.
I closed my eyes and flung my arms wide, letting the wind rock my body. Part of me was tempted to just let go, to fall forward into the chasm that stretched out below me. To smash my body on the rocks and let my spirit roam across this vast wildness. To be free, as my friend was now free.
Because with Kade dead, my soul mate - Kye - dead, and most of my dreams little more than ashes, death still sometimes seemed like a mighty enticing option.
But there were people in my life who deserved better. And Kade would certainly want more from me than that.
Tears tracked down my cheeks. I breathed deep, drawing in the freshness of the early-morning air, tasting the flavors within it and half searching for the one scent that would never, ever, be there again.
He was gone forever. I could accept that. But I could never escape the guilt of it.
I bent and picked up the bottle of wine I'd brought with me. It was a Brown Brothers Riesling - one of his favorites, not mine. After popping the cork, I took a drink, then raised the bottle to the dawn skies, the tears pouring down my face.
"May I one day earn your forgiveness, my friend." My voice was barely audible, but it seemed to echo across the mountains. "And may you find peace, happiness, and many willing mares in the fertile meadows of afterlife."
With that, I poured out the wine, letting it stream away on the wind. When the bottle was empty, I tossed it over the edge, watching it fall until the shadows claimed it. I never heard it smash against the rocks. Perhaps the ghostly fingers of a bay-colored man caught it long before it could.
I took another deep, shuddering breath, then swiped at the tears on my cheeks and added, "Good-bye, Kade. I hope we can meet again on the other side. And I hope I'm a smarter friend then than I am now."
The sun chose that moment to break over the top of the mountains, streaming golden fingers of light across the shadows and almost instantly warming the chill from the air and my skin.
If it was a sign from Kade, then it was appreciated.
I dried the last of my tears, blew a kiss to the sunrise, then turned and walked back down the path to my car. My phone - which I'd left sitting on the front seat along with my handbag - was flashing. Which meant there'd been a call for me while I was up at the cliff edge.
I dropped into the driver's seat and reached for the phone, then hesitated. I knew without looking that the call would be from Jack. He excelled at that sort of timing - always catching me when I least expected or wanted it. Besides, everyone else in my life knew that I was up here saying my good-byes, and they wouldn't have interrupted me for anything less than a disaster. And if it was a disaster,