still gone ahead and done it anyway, because why the hell shouldn’t she? God, looking back on it now, she’d been a disgusting, despicable human being. Her behavior had been abysmal and she should have been thoroughly ashamed of herself.
Gazing out of the window at the empty darkened street, Roo dug her nails into her palms. Well, now she was. And she was determined to make amends. Her old life was behind her and the new one had begun.
She hadn’t even drunk any coffee today. Just tap water. That was how serious she was.
No more alcohol either. Ever.
Just lots and lots of visits to… church. Oh yes. If that was what it was going to take, she’d even keep doing that. She’d paid one a visit this afternoon, in the desperate hope that God would speak to her. It had been cool and musty smelling inside, with overtones of wood polish. The wooden pews had been slippery and uncomfortable. Dust particles had danced in the colored beams of sunlight shining through the stained-glass windows. A fly had buzzed around like a mini fighter jet. God hadn’t spoken to her, as it turned out, but that didn’t matter. Instead, her conscience had. In fact, actually hearing God’s voice might have freaked her out completely, so she was glad it hadn’t happened.
This way was better. She was going to do it herself.
Roo stiffened as headlights rounded the corner, lighting up the street. The minicab pulled up opposite and she held her breath.
Ellie was back.
Please let her be on her own. Yes, she was. Throwing open the window, Roo stuck her head out and called, ‘Ellie?’
Ellie swung round and looked up as the cab moved off down the road. ‘Oh, sweetie, I’ve been so worried about you! Are you all right?’
Was she about to lose her friendship for ever? Was she even right to be doing this?
Yes. She had to be honest. It was the only way.
Her chest tightening with fear, Roo said, ‘I’m OK. Look, I’m sorry, I know it’s late.’ Her voice cracked. ‘But can you come over?’
Chapter 29
‘…So that’s it. Todd didn’t want me to tell you, but I had to. And you mustn’t blame him. It was all my fault. But I promise on my life it’ll never happen again. And I’m going to make it up to you, if you’ll let me. I know you must hate me. I hate myself. But I’ve changed. I’m a different person. I’m going to make up for every bad thing I’ve ever done. But I just want you to know I’m so, so sorry.’
Ellie shook her head. She’d listened in silence while the whole confession had come tumbling out. She could have said something sooner, but Roo was so desperate to get everything off her chest it would have been wrong to jump in and stop her in her tracks.
Now she said, ‘I can’t believe it.’
Roo hung her head. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Thank God.’
‘What?’
‘This is the best news I’ve heard in months.’
Wrong-footed, Roo said, ‘How can it be good news?’
‘Because it wasn’t working for us. It felt all wrong and I kept pretending it didn’t, but it did. And I couldn’t hurt Todd’s feelings. I couldn’t tell anyone, not even you. I started off thinking it was just because I was out of practice, but it wasn’t. Todd and I were never meant to be anything but friends. And now he knows that too. Oh thank God, this is fantastic, you have no idea!’
Roo’s face was a picture. ‘Are you just saying that?’
‘No.’
‘You really aren’t angry with me?’
‘No!’
‘But I did a terrible thing.’
‘Hello? Did I miss something?’ said Ellie. ‘Did you have sex with him?’
‘No!’
‘Did you even kiss him?’
‘No, but I wanted to! I nearly did.’
‘Well, now you can. You can do anything you like with him. As often as you want.’
‘No.’ Roo vehemently shook her head.
‘No what?’ Honestly, how many more times could they say the word?
‘I’m not going to do anything with him.’
‘But I want you to.’
‘Ellie, I told you. I’ve changed. I made a pact with myself today. First, no more lies. I had to tell you the truth, even if it meant losing you as a friend. Second, if I didn’t lose you, I’d make it up to you somehow. And third’—Roo was counting on her fingers—‘either way, nothing’s going to happen between me and Todd.’
‘But that’s stupid. You like him. And he likes you.’
‘All the more reason. It’s my punishment. If I promised that nothing would happen between