The Mistress - Jill Childs Page 0,66

my own way. I would take back control.

Forty-Three

I used the books as an excuse to get Megan to come round to see me, one evening the following week.

She appeared on the doorstep, soon after eight, her face drawn, peering at me through a bunch of sweetheart roses – a swarm of yellow, pink and red.

‘For me?’ I took them and kissed her on the cheek, ushered her indoors. ‘You shouldn’t have.’

It had been a while since I’d seen her. She hadn’t been over to visit us since the night Ralph disappeared. Fear of my grief kept her away, I’d decided. The embarrassment of knowing the right thing to say when in fact there was nothing to say, nothing at all.

She was still only sixteen, but she seemed older, standing here in the hall. A young woman almost ready to leave home. She was wearing a light cotton jacket over low-slung jeans and a cropped top that lifted when she moved to expose a flat, tight stomach.

She’d changed in other ways too. Her hair, always so neatly bobbed, looked straggly and ready for a good wash. Her cheeks were hollowed and there were dark circles under her eyes.

I led her through and busied myself with the flowers, finding a vase, cutting the stems and arranging them, then poured us both a glass of water. I didn’t say anything about it, not yet, but I could see exactly why Bea was worried. Megan had a nervy jumpiness to her that I’d never seen before. Something was clearly on her mind.

She always used to seem very much at home here. Last year, before her schoolwork picked up, she used to babysit for us about once a month, if I had a school meeting or a talk to attend. Ralph could never be trusted not to let me down. The previous year, when she was only fourteen and the girls had just started in reception, Megan came by with them sometimes after school, spreading out her books on the kitchen table and munching biscuits while she tackled her homework, as Clara and Anna played in the sitting room. She liked to chat to me – liked the idea that we were two adults, able to see eye to eye, while the little ones played.

Now, she perched on the edge of a kitchen chair, her body listless.

I sat down too, my hands nursing my warm cup.

‘So, getting excited about Edinburgh? It must take the pressure off, knowing you’ve already got an offer.’

She nodded, her eyes pinned to a spot on the kitchen floor. ‘I still need to pass.’

I smiled to myself. She’d been predicted stellar results. It was hard to see how she’d fail to get the grades she needed.

‘You sound a bit worried.’

She lifted a hand and scratched behind her ear. ‘I am. Exams start next week.’

I nodded. ‘But you’ve worked hard, Megan. You’ll be fine. Don’t you think?’

She pulled a face and squirmed on her chair. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Mum doesn’t get it. She keeps saying, what are you worrying about? You know your stuff. But that’s not it. I just can’t concentrate.’

‘When’s your first exam?’

‘Tuesday.’ She sounded panicked. ‘English lit. It should be a doddle. It’s all in there’ – she tapped her head – ‘or at least it was… but when I try to focus, to go through quotes and essay stuff, I can’t remember. It’s all blank.’ Her hands plucked at each other in her lap. ‘What if I’m like that in the exam? What if I fail?’

I sat, watching her. ‘Maybe you need some rest? I know it’s easy to say, but maybe you need to relax a bit.’

She sat very still, her eyes downcast. The house was oppressive with silence. We might be the only people left in the world. I looked at her nails, chewed at the corners, at the tension in her face.

I smiled. ‘I’ve got something for you. Did your mum say?’

For the first time, her eyes lifted and flicked across to look at me. ‘Not exactly…’

I got to my feet. ‘Well, don’t get your hopes up, but I’ve been doing some clearing out. There were a few things I thought you might like.’

I led her up the stairs to Ralph’s study. She hesitated in the doorway, looking round, taking it all in. The boxes, neatly labelled, along the wall. The pile of books on his desk. His chair. She bit her lip.

‘Is this where he worked?’

I nodded. ‘He used to