Mirage - Alice Tribue Page 0,54
just had amazing sex, and I’m ruining it by acting all crazy. I have no fucking idea why I’m telling you this.”
“You’re supposed to tell me this. I want you to tell me how you feel. What you’re feeling is normal, and I feel it, too.”
“Oh God, really? I just, I’m not used to feeling…”
“Out of control.”
“Yes. Completely out of control.”
He reaches for me. His hand wraps around the side of my neck, and his thumb brushes my cheek again.
“This is real. You can believe in that.”
“I do,” I tell him, and it’s the truth. I believe his love is real, I believe that it’s mine for the taking, that he wants this just as badly as I do, and I’ll be damned if I don’t take hold of it and hang on with everything I have.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
God, the guilt is killing me. Ever since Nathan told me that he loved me, and ever since I told him the same, I’ve been riddled with guilt. How can I build this relationship on a lie? How can I possibly plan a future with him when he doesn’t know my entire story? He sees only what I want him to see, and even though the feelings and emotions are true, it still feels wrong. Would he still love me if he knew what I did, what I’ve done? For the most part, my intentions were good. I wanted to help these girls do this job safely, and most of these girls would have fallen into the lifestyle anyway. I carry no guilt there. To me, this isn’t a black and white issue. There are a lot of gray areas, and that’s how I’ve always operated, but Nathan? Would he see the gray, would he understand my reasoning, my need to make sure none of these girls ended up drugged up or dead? My girls don’t live in trailer parks; most of them have doormen and stunning views of the Hudson. Some of them are paying their own way through school; one of my girls is doing her postgraduate work at Columbia University. There’s something to be said for that… Right?
I can’t do it; I can’t keep doing this, living this way, living a lie when all I really want to do is be free. When all I really want to do is love Nathan and not feel like there are skeletons in the closet waiting to be discovered at any time. I need to tell him. I have to tell him the truth. I turn from my current position stretched out on a beach chair basking in the late morning rays of the sun and glance at Nathan in the chair next to me. He’s everything I always wanted, everything I never thought would be possible, what I didn’t know existed for me, and I’m terrified of losing him. The dull ache in my chest throbs at that thought of not having him around, but if I don’t tell him the truth, my love will be tainted with lies. He deserves better than that.
I make a decision here and now to come clean, to tell him everything that there is to know about me, and let him decide for himself if he still wants me. I’ll give myself this weekend, these few last moments of marred perfection before I tell him the truth. Why ruin what’s left of the weekend? The truth will still be there when we get back.
“Baby,” I call to him and he turns his head to me. He responds to me, and he’s mine for now. “Will you go in the water with me?”
“Yeah, it’s getting too hot out here anyway.” He grins. He slides off his chair with ease and reaches his hand down to me. He pulls me up and greets me with a brief kiss before we walk down to the beach. The sand is warm between my manicured toes, and it feels good, relaxing even. The ocean air draws me in, it always has. Living down by the shore with my dad was a far cry from my mom's trailer park existence. The water brought me a sense of peace that nothing else ever could. I bend down when we reach the shoreline, picking up a rare black seashell, and hold it out for Nathan.
“Isn’t it pretty? It’s rare to find one of these in perfect condition.”
“It is. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a black one before. Keep it.”
“A memento?”
He picks me up