Milk Fed - Melissa Broder Page 0,75

with a sign that said EAT ME! Eyeing the cake, I recounted to Ana everything that had happened the night before. I excluded nothing except the part where I’d invited him to come over. I wanted to make it seem as though he had initiated it, which he sort of had with the cheek-touching—but not fully. I wanted to seem wanted, to wow her, and give off zero whiffs of desperation. It had been confirmed: I was the object of Jace’s affection. That was it. For good measure, I even told her that he’d begged me to stick the finger in his ass. That’s how much he’d wanted me inside of him.

“So he’s gay,” she said, when I finished my story.

“No!” I said. “A finger up the ass has nothing to do with his sexual orientation.”

I didn’t like that she was coming up with her own interpretation of this detail of the story, the part where I had shined so bright. Did he have to be gay in order to agree to have sex with me—as though I were an afterthought, an accident, maybe even a beard? Why couldn’t she see me as a person that he could genuinely like?

“Besides,” I said. “It’s twenty-first-century Los Angeles. If he were gay, he would just be gay.”

“Not necessarily,” she said. “I mean, he is a TV star. Don’t forget, he has to maintain that heterosexual appeal.”

“If he was looking for a beard, he would’ve chosen someone way more public, like one of his costars or something. There are a ton of women who would love to date him. No, he’s just, like, kinda into me.”

I hated that I felt the need to puff myself up. I also felt bad about all of the sexual details I’d revealed about Jace—particularly the ass play and his proclivity for having his birth certificate orated. This was not the way girl talk should go. I wanted giggling, encouragement, cheering—not skepticism. I wanted conspiratorial comradeship, a walking diary entry. Instead, Ana seemed almost angry.

“You obviously can’t date him,” she said firmly.

“Of course. I know that,” I said.

I couldn’t figure out what was making her mad. I wondered if it was sorrow from her past, or jealousy. Under her left eye, her skin was twitching. She tapped on her teacup with her pointer finger. I could practically feel her nerves, vibrating.

“Should I not have told you?” I asked.

“No,” said Ana, without smiling. “I’m very glad you did.”

I realized, as she took a sip of her tea, that we no longer looked as much alike. Where we’d once mirrored each other physically with our long, woolly hair, now we had less in common. If she was trying to experience Jace through me, it wouldn’t be as easy. The weight gain, and now the hair, fucked with her conception of the way a woman was supposed to be—especially a woman who got the attention of a handsome man with a shitty TV show.

I hadn’t spoken to my mother in forty-nine days, but she was still right in front of me.

CHAPTER 70

When I got back to my apartment, Jace had left a note on the fridge.

Went to go run lines. That was cool. Let’s do it again really soon. Love, J

I wondered how long he’d hung around. I was surprised when he’d asked if he could sleep over. I’d said yes because it seemed easier than saying no. But in the early hours, he’d tried to come over to my side of the bed to snuggle and I had to let out three loud, fake snores so he’d retreat back to his side.

I popped a fresh piece of nicotine gum and used the note to dispose of my last one. When I was eating more, I chewed less. But now I was back in the chain-chewing game. I opened the cabinet and eyed my protein bar stash. Then the buzzer rang.

Great. Touch a dude’s asshole once, and you could never get rid of him.

“Hello?” I said.

“Hi,” came a voice.

But it wasn’t Jace. It was Miriam.

I scurried around my apartment, looking for obvious signs that a C-list, maybe B-list actor had been fucked there. I found a telltale Yeezy sock on the floor. I threw it in the trash. There was a condom in the trash. I flushed it. Fortunately, Jace had stripped the sheets and remade the bed. His grandmother would have been proud of him.

I mussed up my new hair in the mirror, pushing it forward, then sideways. Then I