Milk Fed - Melissa Broder Page 0,54

chayim hi lamachazikim ba, vetomecheha me’ushar, I thought.

With every sensation of her moving finger, I felt it down there, so that when she approached the top of my lifeline, she was slipping her finger ever so lightly over my clit. And then as she reached the bottom of my palm, she was tracing my inner lips, up and down, almost entering me, but never fully entering me at all. No, she was not even almost entering me. It was not even that close, not nearly.

CHAPTER 46

When the movie ended, she dropped my hand. We both sat there silently in the dark as the credits rolled until we were the only ones left in our seats. I was glad she wasn’t speaking or getting up to go, and I wasn’t going to be the one to break the silence. I didn’t want to leave the dark theater.

Finally, she turned to me and raised an eyebrow.

“Wow,” she said. “That movie was better than I remembered.”

Then she stood up, and I stood up, and we filed out into the harsh light of the lobby, the smell of popcorn, people no longer in profile: three teens in heavy eyeliner laughing in the corner, a man pushing an older woman with oily hair in a wheelchair. I told Miriam that I had to use the bathroom before we left. She said that she didn’t have to go and would wait for me.

I peed, and when I wiped myself I was shocked by how slick my vagina was.

“Goodbye to the dregs of bitterness,” I whispered, though I had no idea what that meant.

I felt feverish, delirious. My face in the mirror was pink, my eyes bloodshot. A faint rash crept up my neck. We were just two girls holding hands and eating candy in a movie theater, that was all. But my desire: I was sick with it. Sweet sick. Good sick. With trembling hands, I turned on the faucet, splashed cold water on my face. It gave me a moment’s relief. Then, still dripping, my temperature rose again.

In the lobby, Miriam didn’t say anything about the hand-holding. We left the theater and walked silently together down the street. When we came to the furniture storefront where I’d applied her lipstick on our last outing, she stopped us under the awning so she could light a clove.

“You know, I think I realize what Bette Davis is lacking,” she said.

I didn’t want to hear any more about Bette Davis.

“What?”

“It’s the way she moves. Her motions aren’t distinct. If you saw Audrey’s shadow—if you just could see a silhouette moving—you’d know immediately that it was her. But it’s not the same with Bette. Bette Davis, the way she moves, she could be so many women.”

She exhaled hard and handed me the cigarette. Her exhales weren’t coming out in any magical shapes, at least as far as I could see. Now they were just exhales.

“What about kissing?” I blurted out.

“Their kissing styles?”

“No,” I said, taking a drag of the cigarette. “I mean what about Orthodox girls kissing other girls? Is that allowed?”

“Oh yes,” she said. “I mean I kiss my girl friends on the cheek sometimes. And Ayala and my mother. So yeah, that’s okay.”

“No, I mean on the mouth,” I said. “What about girls kissing each other on the mouth? Is that okay?”

A shadow crossed her face. She looked scared.

“I don’t know,” she said.

“Interesting,” I said, taking a final drag of the cigarette. “Interesting.”

I flicked the cigarette to the ground and stamped it out underneath my foot. Then, without another sound, I put my hands on her shoulders and brought her in close to me. She was breathing deeply, and her eyes widened, but she didn’t pull back.

I put my hand on the back of her head and moved her face into mine. I kissed her softly: first on the upper lip, then the lower. I didn’t bring her into the moisture of my mouth, but stayed on the soft surface. I felt so much in each of her lips, like I could dwell there forever, tracing her cupid’s bow, the plumpness.

She pulled away. I opened my eyes, but hers were still closed. Then she kissed me, and I was shocked to have her initiate it. I introduced my tongue into her mouth and felt her whole body shudder. Now it was clear. We sucked at each other hungrily, mouths wet and pressed hard together. I knew this could not be mistaken for any kind of kiss between