Milk Fed - Melissa Broder Page 0,41

all for the way she came at me.

She began sobbing. She said that I was doing this to spite her. She told me that I was confused, and she should never have let me major in theater. She said that my grandfather had not worked his whole life so that his granddaughter could be a fucking lesbian.

“Bisexual,” I said, and hung up the phone.

I was filled with guilt. I wondered if all of this was even necessary: not only the admission to my mother that I was with a woman, but the act of being with a woman in the first place. I was being asked to defend a position when I didn’t even know what my position was.

I told Cait how my mother had responded, and she hugged me.

“Your mother sounds like a real fucking cunt,” she said. “I’m going to be here for you no matter what.”

I’d never heard her use the word cunt before. I knew that she meant it. But I no longer wanted her to be there for me. I felt resistant to her touch, smothered. She was finally mine, and I didn’t know what I was going to do with her.

Then came the phone call from my dad.

“Your mother is a mess,” he said.

I was silent.

“She won’t stop crying on the phone to me.”

“Sorry.”

“Let me ask you something. How important to you is your relationship with this… girl?”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“Well, here’s a thought. Unless you are marrying her, may I suggest that you take back what you said to your mother.”

“How?”

“Just retract it,” he said. “I mean, to tell you the truth, I’m not exactly thrilled about this either.”

“Fine,” I said. “No problem.”

“And what about Ben?” he asked.

“Who?”

“The boy she wants to set you up with.”

“Oh god,” I said.

Ben Buber looked like a giant infant: a baby on steroids. He expounded loudly on the importance of creatine supplements. He kind of yelled when I told him I only did the elliptical machine, never weights. I got drunk on an empty stomach, vomited wine on both of us. Then I started crying.

“I don’t think my mother will ever accept me,” I said.

This freaked Ben out more than cardio. He paid quickly and left.

After the date, I called my mother.

“He’s a weight-lifting preemie!” I yelled.

Then I texted Cait to end things. She’d already been sending heart emojis into the void for days.

CHAPTER 37

Miriam had bungled the light timer. Now the Schwebels’ basement was pitch-black. Ayala said that she left me some clothes down there, and I felt around on the bed until I found a pair of soft wool pajamas. I wondered if I should go back up and try to find a flashlight, or if you were even allowed to use flashlights on Shabbat.

I thought about turning on the bathroom light. But I didn’t want to break Shabbat in their house. I figured light was more of a big deal than heat, since it was the first thing god did in the Bible, or whatever. I felt my way in the dark to the toilet and peed in the blackness. I wasn’t going to be able to brush my teeth. On my way out, I stepped on one of Ezra’s toys and it squeaked noisily. After the squeak, I heard a giggle. Then Miriam’s voice called down from upstairs.

“Rachel, is that you?”

I saw a light beaming from the top of the stairs.

“What are you doing down there in the dark?” she called. “Let me bring you a candle.”

I heard her tiptoe down the stairs. Then I saw her white feet in the dark. She was wearing a pair of baby-blue cotton pajamas and was holding a pair of tea light candles in small glass jars. She had no bra on, and her breasts and belly heaved up and down.

“Here,” she said, handing me the candles. “Sorry, I’m bad with the timer.”

“Thanks,” I said.

“Is this bed all right? And Ayala’s pajamas?”

“Everything is great,” I said. “So comfortable.”

“Good,” she said. “I want you to feel at home here.”

I put the candles on top of the nightstand, which was really an end table that had been pulled next to the sofa bed. I sat down on the bed but did not invite her to come sit with me. I felt nervous and strange, but also excited to have her so close and unbound, near me in the candlelight. She was wearing underwear, and I could see them through her pajamas. I could tell that they were