a small splutter of terror. She was gasping for air as her heart continued to beat out of control, her pulse continuing to reach a danger point.
Her reactions robbed me temporarily of breath. It was oddly disembodying trying to understand her fear, because it was me who couldn't live without her. It shouldn't be the other way around. Before the nurse decides to kick me out of the room I had to calm her down. I took her face between my hands. Her warmth crept up my body slowly as I brought my face only inches from hers before whispering to her, "I swear."
Her breath was filling the air between us. It was very appealing, but in this moment I was too worried about her heart and her breathing. Each second the rhythmic motion of her breath and her heart slowed. I refused to let go of her until she had calmed down. When the monitors had quieted I sighed in relief.
"Better?" I asked, surveying her face.
"Yes," she answered, her voice sounded guarded.
Under my breath I began muttering so low she wouldn't hear me. "Beautiful, insane, overly sensitive girl. What an overreaction." I shook my head.
"Why did you say that?" She whispered.
At first, I didn't know if she actually heard what I had muttered.
"Are you tired of having to save me all the time? Do you want me to go away?"
Again, insane. With increasing desperation I tried to explain to her that I did want her, that it would literally kill me if she went away.
"No, I don't want to be without you, Bella, of course not. Be rational," I added sensibly. "And I have no problem with saving you, either -- if it weren't for the fact that I was the one putting you in danger... that I'm the reason that you're here."
"Yes, you are the reason," she interjected with a frown. "The reason I'm here --alive."
I had less resolution than ever.
"Barely." I choked out. "Covered in gauze and plaster and hardly able to move." I stared down at her like it would force her to mend.
"I wasn't referring to my most recent near-death experience," her voice was slightly irritated.
Staring at her, I tried to read her eyes. Yes, I saved her in the past, but that had nothing to do with the present. She was still in this hospital bed because of me. The silence tautened and strained.
She finally spoke. "I was thinking of the others -- you can take your pick. If it weren't for you, I would be rotting away in the Forks cemetery." Her voice was like an angry drunken titter from all the drugs in her system.
The memories made me wince several times. The van, Port Angeles...my thoughts trailed off, not wanting to think of where she would be if I wasn't there to intercede on her behalf. Then I realized I had already made my decision. I wasn't going to let her leave. If she did I would follow her, even if she was unaware of it. No matter what, I would watch over her, keep her from harm, for as long as I could justify it. Luckily, I don't see how she would ever not need me to keep her safe. I suddenly found myself wishing that her clumsiness would never go away.
I looked at her gauze covered wrist, my original thoughts surfacing. "That's not the worst part, though," I continued, ignoring her previous words of comfort."Not seeing you there on the floor... crumpled and broken." The words caught in my throat. "Not thinking I was too late. Not even hearing you scream in pain -- all those unbearable memories that I'll carry with me for the rest of eternity. No, the very worst was feeling... knowing that I couldn't stop. Believing that I was going to kill you myself," my voice tailed away feebly as the memory of her blood in my mouth, swirling sweetly down my throat, surfaced.
"But you didn't," she pointed out.
"I could have. So easily."
Her breath came a little quicker again. Panic was obvious in her eyes. Did she finally understand that she should fear me?
"Promise me," she whispered.
"What?"
"You know what." She gave me an insolent stare. I was wrong; she didn't fear me, just the opposite.
How can I promise to never leave when I know one day I will have to? Not now, though. I can't leave her now when she needs me. Still, I gazed uncertainly towards her, my eyes automatically tightening. A lurking doubt resurfaced