Midnight Sun (The Twilight Saga #5) - Stephenie Meyer Page 0,293

she snapped at me. “I was thinking of the others—you can take your pick. If it weren’t for you, I would be rotting away in the Forks cemetery.”

I recoiled from the image, but then returned to my point, not letting her sidetrack my remorse.

“That’s not the worst part, though. Not seeing you there on the floor… crumpled and broken.” I fought to regain control over my voice. “Not thinking I was too late. Not even hearing you scream in pain—all those unbearable memories that I’ll carry with me for the rest of eternity. No, the very worst was feeling… knowing that I couldn’t stop. Believing that I was going to kill you myself.”

She frowned. “But you didn’t.”

“I could have. So easily.”

Again, her heart started to pound.

“Promise me,” she hissed.

“What?”

She was glaring at me now. “You know what.”

Bella had heard the direction of my words. She could hear me talking myself up to the strength I needed. I had to remember that she read my mind a thousand times better than I could read hers. I had to put my need to confess aside. The most important thing now was her recovery.

I tried to only say true things so she wouldn’t see through me as easily as before. “I don’t seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you’ll get your way… whether it kills you or not.”

“Good.” But I could hear she was not convinced. “You told me how you stopped.… Now I want to know why.”

“Why?” I echoed blankly.

“Why you did it. Why didn’t you just let the venom spread? By now I would be just like you.”

I’d never explained this to her. I’d danced around her questions with such care. I knew that she hadn’t uncovered this truth in any internet research. I saw red for a moment, and in the center of that red, Alice’s face.

“I’ll be the first to admit that I have no experience with relationships.” Bella’s words flowed quickly—worried about what she’d given away and trying to distract me. “But it just seems logical… a man and woman have to be somewhat equal… as in, one of them can’t always be swooping in and saving the other one. They have to save each other equally.”

There was truth to what she was saying, but she was missing the central point. I could never be her equal. There was no way back for me. And that was the only equality that left her unscathed.

I crossed my arms on the edge of her mattress and let my chin rest on them. It was time to calm the fervor of this discussion.

“You have saved me,” I told her calmly. This was true.

“I can’t always be Lois Lane,” she warned me. “I want to be Superman, too.”

I kept my voice soft, soothing, but I had to avert my eyes. “You don’t know what you’re asking.”

“I think I do.”

“Bella, you don’t know,” I murmured, my voice still gentle. “I’ve had almost ninety years to think about this, and I’m still not sure.”

“Do you wish that Carlisle hadn’t saved you?”

“No, I don’t wish that.” I never would have met her if he hadn’t. “But my life was over. I wasn’t giving anything up.” Except a soul.

“You are my life. You’re the only thing it would hurt me to lose.”

She was describing my side of our relationship exactly.

And what will you do when she begs? the memory of Rosalie whispered in my head.

“I can’t do it, Bella. I won’t do that to you.”

“Why not?” Her voice was rough, louder with anger. “Don’t tell me it’s too hard! After today, or I guess it was a few days ago… anyway, after that, it should be nothing.”

I struggled to hold on to my calm.

“And the pain?” I reminded her. I didn’t want to think about it. I hoped she didn’t want to, either.

Her face went white. It was hard to watch. She struggled with the memory for a long moment, and then her chin came up.

“That’s my problem. I can handle it.”

“It’s possible to take bravery to the point where it becomes insanity,” I murmured.

“It’s not an issue. Three days. Big deal.”

Alice! It was probably good I had no idea where she was right now. I realized this was on purpose. She was going to avoid me until I’d calmed down, I was sure. I wanted to call her, to tell her what I thought of this cowardly evasion, but I would bet she wouldn’t answer.

I refocused. If