Midnight Sommelier - Anne Malcom Page 0,64

shame, filtering through the air.

I waited for Lydia’s disgust. For her judgement.

But I should’ve known better. My friend wouldn’t judge me, even if I admitted to killing a man. She’d take my reasons for doing so and likely help me bury the body.

“Of course you want him in a different way,” she said. “He’s a different man. He’s not David. He’s not going to speak to the parts of you that David did.” She leaned forward to refill both of our glasses. “David was sensible, kind, cultured, safe. Incredibly handsome. He was the perfect husband, as close as you could get, anyway. But he was a good man. He made you happy.” She glanced out the window. “Now, I haven’t met this guy, and that is for sure going to change before I leave. But from what I can gather, he is not a good man in the traditional sense of the word. But he’s a good father, which counts for a lot in my book.”

She took a sip of her drink, looked out the window.

“He’s intense, I can tell that straight off,” she continued. “Tortured. Scared of this world in a way someone like David could never be. So he’s never going to be able to give you things that David did. That’s just not inside him. But he can give you other things. Things that don’t match up with this expensive, tastefully decorated world you’ve made for yourself. Which is totally okay, since I know you and know that this world is only a part of you. You see, men are for the most part simple. They are one thing. Women are many people inside a soul. We have different sides. We have the ability to change, maybe because biology wanted us to be suitable, malleable for a mate. Whatever it is, we are different women inside one body. With different needs. Complicated.” She sighed and smiled, draining her drink. “And fuck is it a nightmare sometimes, being a woman. Especially one who has decided to exclusively fuck other women.”

My eyes flared at this. Lydia had always been sexually fluid, open. She was attracted to who she was attracted to, gender didn’t play a part. But almost all of her long-term relationships had been with men. Granted, long-term for her was a handful of months, a year at an absolute stretch. But she’d never decided on one sexuality.

“We’re circling back to that,” I said.

“You bet your tight ass we are,” she replied. “I didn’t fly all the way here just to talk about your problems.” She paused. “But for now, let’s focus on you. You’re in this spiral because you feel like you’re cheating on David. Now, let me ask you, did you ever cheat on him when you were married?”

Again, no judgment in her question.

“Of course not,” I replied, almost as a kneejerk reaction. “But I thought about it. Fantasized. Like every married person does in the midst of a rough spot. When you’re tired or frustrated or feel trapped. I imagine he thought about it too. I’d never do it though. I couldn’t live with myself.”

“You didn’t cheat on him,” she said quietly. “You’re feeding a part of yourself that’s been hungry for a long time. Now don’t get me wrong, you would’ve survived that kind of hunger forever, or however long you decided to stay married for. Knowing you and David, you assholes would have stayed together because you loved each other. That love filled you up in the good times and sustained you in the tough times. You wouldn’t have missed out on anything because you wouldn’t have known you were missing out.”

I marinated on those words for the rest of the night, wondering if there really was a way for me and Zeke to work. A way for me to have another kind of life that didn’t involve being alone forever.

Or maybe that was just a fool’s hope.

15

I made good on my promise. After Lydia and I had hashed out my barrel of issues, we moved on to others. Like her falling in love with another journalist who hadn’t come out yet.

Yeah, we needed another bottle of vodka for that.

And pizza.

Then we passed out on top of my bed. My head was still pounding, and I’d barely gotten to enjoy my friend, and she was already leaving.

“Thank you for coming,” I said, releasing her from my embrace reluctantly.

I didn’t want her to go. The boys were still away with Alexis. She decided that