it was just a phase,” he says, swallowing thickly. “I’m just a phase,” he adds darkly, “a phase everyone in my life eventually outgrows.”
“Bullshit. Come stay with us for a couple of months. It would be good to have you around.”
He shakes his head. “Your wife isn’t a fan of mine. I’m good, I’m covered.”
“We can—”
“It’s done,” he cuts me off, resigned. “Let’s outgrow this conversation and catch up.” He leans over and roughly runs knuckles through my hair. “It’s been a while.”
Rolling my eyes, I slap his hand away. “If that’s what you need.” He ignores the grudge in my voice.
“Yeah, it’s exactly what I need. Thanks, man.”
“Anytime,” I say, pulling the pack from the floorboard, fishing out a cigarette and lighting it for him. He takes it, and we exchange a look that expresses our clear difference of opinion but garners no more conversation. It’s an understanding that passes between us. And as usual, I give him the last word.
Looking back, it’s the one time I wish I wouldn’t have. From there everything went downhill. He was in the process of making nice with his demons, letting them take over and having more fun while destroying what was left of himself. The conversations that followed—after Mila had to drag me from his hotel room that night after berating us both—had been few and far between. Our phone calls felt like an obligation on both our parts. I couldn’t be where he was, and he’d tossed me collectively into a group of people he’d have to answer to. Whether it was concern or his need to be able to act out without the voice of reason or consequence, either way, he’d dealt my sentence.
I’d never once told my brother how much I needed him. Not once had I said those words, though I was sure it wouldn’t have made a difference. But what if it had? What if I had slain just one of the demons he’d embraced and dwelled with? What if I’d just taken the time to introduce myself to a single one of them and made it harder for them to exist within him?
What if I had told him just once that he was more than the sum of the shitty things he’d done? That he was a gifted actor and good friend. That what I saw in him wasn’t a result of blind faith, but a truth he couldn’t see for himself.
“Lucas,” I hear Jeremy, the assistant director, mutter as he guides me through the action Wes has in mind for the next scene. “You’ll pull the gun out, and as soon as you see him roll and reach, you fire twice. Once at a distance and then again when you approach, get him point-blank, got it?”
I nod, looking around the set.
“You with me?” Jeremy asks unsure. “You want to repeat that back?” he says, with a hint to his voice that hits a raw nerve.
I tug at my collar as the heat from the lights bears down on my scalp.
“You all right?” Jeremy asks, eyeing me without a fucking ounce of genuine concern. I’m just a hired monkey.
“Aren’t I always?” I snap, uncomfortable in the cheap polyester suit. “This suit is bullshit. This isn’t how I dress.”
He rolls his eyes. “Yes, Nikki, that’s a wardrobe issue. Let’s get through this shot, and we can have a discussion after.”
“What’s the fucking point if we have to re-shoot?” I snap, pulling the tie from around my neck. “Where is Wes? I need a word.”
“Don’t be that prick,” Jeremy mutters beneath his breath.
“What the fuck did you just say?” Narrowing my eyes, I see underlying animosity rise in his.
“I said, don’t start the power plays today. We’re all aware you don’t agree with the fucking suits. We’re working on it. We have an exhausted crew trying to wrap up an eighteen-hour day. Thirty of those people haven’t eaten shit since lunch, thanks to the schedule you’ve fucked up. I have no doubt the union is going to hear about this. Let’s wrap the day and we can worry about re-shoot later.”
“I think we both know this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the fuck-me eyes your wife keeps tossing my way on set.”
His eyes flare, but he waves a dismissive hand. “Come on, man, you can’t be this big of an asshole.”
“I’m not, but I’m pretty sure she thinks you are.”
He shrugs. “Look, Wes wanted you on this one. It’s no secret