Meet Me at Midnight - Jessica Pennington Page 0,123
home. Will I bring guys home? I think maybe I’m ruined for that. Going back to ten-day relationships doesn’t sound that bad. There’s three-hundred-sixty-five days in a year, divided by ten—but probably add a three-week buffer between them … I’m thinking through how many guys have to be interested in my sarcastic mouth when I hear the footsteps clunking along the dock.
“What’s up, Sidney?” The fact that he’s here should fill me with hope, but I hate how resigned Asher’s voice sounds right now.
“How far did you make it before you turned around?” He’s late, which means he wasn’t going to come, but he did. And deep down, I know it’s because he’s too nice to leave a girl sitting alone on a dock at midnight. And that should send a bucket of ice water over my plans, but it doesn’t. It’s just another reminder of what a good person he is. And how much better I have to be, to even begin to be worthy of spending time with him.
“I drove all the way back to the dorms.” He sits down on the dock next to me, huddling his knees up to his chest like I am. It’s way too cold to be in the water. “I barely had enough time to make it back here. You lurking again? Tracking my car?”
“No, I just know you.” He said it to me once, told me all of the ways he knew me, and I wish everything after those texts had gone differently.
“Hm.”
“You know, I’ve had a lot of time to think since I’ve been at school.” My voice is soft, not nearly as confident as I wish it was. I sound scared. I am scared. “I’m still settling in with girls on the team, and getting to know people in my dorm and in my classes. You make friends everywhere you go, but—”
“But you’re lonely, and now you want to talk to me?”
I shake my head. “No, it’s not that. I mean, yes, I do want to talk to you.” God, this is already going badly. And I’m so nervous I’m just rambling. “I’m just saying … I’ve had a lot of time to think the last month or so.” I let go of my knees and sit cross-legged on the dock, twisting to face Asher. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about all of the reasons I knew we wouldn’t work, and—”
Asher drops his chin to his hands. “And you’ve got me out here in the middle of the night … freezing … so you can remind me of all of those reasons? Sidney, this isn’t—”
I put my hand on his next to me, and he looks up, as if I’ve electrocuted him. “Just let me finish?” I keep my voice soft and I don’t move my hand. “I’m not here to torture you. I swear.”
Asher bites his lip and nods.
I don’t want to move my hand, but I do, because I’m not sure I can think straight while I’m touching him. Not when his eyes are still burning with something I haven’t seen in a long time. “You liked me for so long … you showed me.” I swallow down the anxiety rising up in my throat, threatening to choke me. “You showed me the rocks, and the picture, and you told me everything. So…” I pick up the little box tucked in next to my side. “I’ve never dated anyone longer than ten days. I’ve never liked anyone longer than that. And it’s always me, not them. Me who gets bored, or annoyed, for the dumbest reasons. I screw it up every time. I’ve always been good at a lot of things, but I’m not good at this. You thought it was you I didn’t trust, but that’s not it at all. It’s me. I’m the one who would ruin us.”
“You already did that.” His voice is hard but it doesn’t feel mean. Maybe because it’s so quiet it’s practically a whisper.
“I know.” I rest my hands on the box in my lap and look out at the water. “I hate failing. And with you, it always seemed safer to just not try. What if you didn’t like me the way I liked you? What if I screwed everything up? What if you realized after ten days that you didn’t want me?” I look up at the sky and then to him. “I think we were always doomed.”