her back and perfectly blown out. I reached up to my own hair, the brown looking lighter thanks to the summer months, but I knew by November it would darken right back up again. My messy bun on the top of my head was nothing compared to the shiny gloriousness that was her hair.
I was comparing myself to a woman I didn’t even know, yet I couldn’t stop it.
Was this the reason he was here? Was she his girlfriend?
I pressed my hand on my stomach, wincing at the sinking feeling. Why did the thought of Mateo with someone else make me feel like I was dropping to the bottom of a murky lake with no rescue in sight?
Clipping my bag closed, I stared at her. She threw her head back laughing, the sound so easy breezy. I’d never be like that. I’d never be able to laugh so freely that I didn’t care who heard. I was always hyperaware of everything around me, not wanting to make myself the center of attention. It was easier that way. If I went by undetected, then I wouldn’t be anyone’s focus. But I couldn’t help wondering what it would be like if I didn’t care who saw me. What would people think of me if I didn’t hide in corners and keep my head down?
They’d think I was just like my mom and dad.
I swatted that thought away as soon as it leaked through my consciousness. They were always there, in the back of my mind, controlling how I acted without them even knowing. They said that you were a product of your environment, but if that was true, I was destined to be consumed by drugs. My skin crawled when I thought about how easy it would be for me to turn into that.
I refused to be like them. I’d be the outlier, the one who pulled herself out of a situation without falling into the deep pit of despair with no way out.
Her laugh filtered through my thoughts, and I snapped upright, standing, needing to get away from the situation in front of me. I took one last look back at the SUV, and as I did, the front driver door opened. My breath caught in the back of my throat as he stepped out dressed in his suit pants and shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows.
Holy shit.
The woman closed the back door at the same time as Mateo, and I wondered if he was going to just leave the SUV parked there. It was a "no parking" zone, but as he started to walk up the pathway next to the woman, I realized that he didn’t care. The way he held his shoulders back and his head up high said more than any words ever could.
He flicked his head up, his gaze immediately piercing mine as if he’d known I was there all along. I was glued to the ground, my feet not working, and my stomach a mess of butterflies. His lips lifted into a knowing grin. Damn him.
Why did he make me feel like that? Why did one look render me incapable of doing anything else? This wasn’t normal, right? He shouldn’t have been able to make my body not feel like my own.
I scrambled, holding my bag tighter to me, hoping he’d just walk on by me as if I didn’t exist. And maybe to him I didn’t. I’d only officially spoken to him once. I mean sure, I saw Cardo and Chiara nearly every day. I’d even brought burgers home with me last night and we’d had a makeshift picnic until Cardo had said it was time to go back to his apartment.
I’d seen the same hesitation on Cardo’s face that I knew was on mine every time I started the walk up the stairs to my own apartment. I hated to think what was happening between his walls when Mateo wasn’t there. But I knew it wasn’t my place to ask. Too many times when I was a kid a nosy neighbor would intervene, and all it would do was make things ten times worse. My mom would stress out and get high, my dad would try and calm her down, then join her in her high, and I’d be left alone.
So I stayed in my lane. I kept my feelings to myself and tried to do what I could without stepping fully in. But now Mateo was a couple of feet