I could reach the front doors, my feet seemed to guide me to the auditorium.
I looked over my shoulder, like I was scared someone was going to catch me going in. But no one was following me. I pushed the door in and let it close behind me with a thud, bathing me in darkness.
Brooklyn and I had kissed for the first time right here. She said I’d stolen the kiss. So I promised her I’d steal all her firsts.
I closed my eyes, trying to remember what it felt like to have her beside me. But all I felt was…cold.
First kiss. First time. First love. She’d died before I could make good on my promise of all her firsts. I was supposed to marry that girl. She was supposed to have my children. She was supposed to be my family. My whole world.
I put my hand down on one of the chairs. Why had I come in here? Just to torture myself? I closed my eyes even tighter. No. I wanted to remember. I wanted to remember what it was like to be happy. I needed to remember what it was like to be okay. Because I wasn’t fucking okay.
And if I closed my eyes tight enough, I could almost hear Brooklyn’s laughter. Almost feel her breath whispering in my ear.
I opened my eyes and saw the darkness all around me. All alone. Yeah, I really wasn’t fucking okay.
I heard the auditorium doors open. I turned to see Penny standing there. Her hip kept the door ajar and let the light stream in. “Did you find that thing you needed to check on?”
I nodded. I was surprised she’d come after me. We hadn’t spoken since Sunday. I figured I’d done something to upset her. And it was better if I just apologized so we could move on. “I’m sorry about Sunday,” I said.
“Why are you sorry? I’m the one that practically ran out of your house.” She laughed. “I should be the one apologizing to you.”
We were both silent for a few moments. I wanted to ask her why she’d run. But I didn’t want to push her.
She looked down at her shoes. “I know James wasn’t in the best headspace in high school.”
That was an understatement. Half the time he had been drunk or high off his mind.
“But…” her voice trailed off. “I also know he meant what he said about not turning your back on family. I can’t believe he kissed one of your old girlfriends.” She shook her head. “But he’s sorry. I can tell. You can’t tell me you’re still mad at him about that after all these years?” She cracked a smile.
She’d never understand. Because I’d never tell her. “I’m not still mad at him.” I didn’t even really know if it was a lie. No matter what, I was most mad at myself. I was the one that had let Brooklyn down. Not him.
Penny stared at me like she was waiting for me to add something. But I didn’t have anything to add.
“Don’t tell me you broke up with that girl because of what James did.”
“No.” I never broke up with Brooklyn. And she still owned my heart. I’d always be hers.
“Well that’s good.” Penny smiled.
She probably just thought that meant my high school girlfriend and I broke up for some other reason. It was an easy mistake to make. Because Brooklyn wasn’t standing beside me. It was the only reasonable conclusion to jump to. And God I wished it was true. That she was still alive. It would have killed me for her to be with someone else. But it would be a little easier to breathe knowing that she was breathing too.
“And speaking of girls…” said Penny. “You have a date tomorrow night.”
I blinked. “What?” The last thing I wanted to do was go on some stupid date with some woman who wasn’t Brooklyn. Not after tonight. Not ever. Penny wasn’t an idiot. She could tell I was hurting. But she was way off base for thinking this was going to help. “I’m not going on some random date.”
“Actually, you are. Because I already made a reservation under your name at Giordano’s.”
“Then cancel.”
“But I think she’s exactly what you’re looking for.”
“What does that even mean?” She had no idea what I was looking for. Because despite her asking repeatedly while swiping through random chicks for hours, I hadn’t ever answered her seriously.