The Lying Season (Seasons #1) - K.A. Linde Page 0,92

was starting to fire on a few cylinders again.

“Before you get to talk, I want to say something,” I told him, pushing my basket aside. “A few somethings.”

He gestured for me to continue. “Go ahead if you think you need to.”

“I do. Well, first, I just…I’m sorry about the job,” I told him.

“Yeah,” he said with a sigh. “But I’m glad it was me and not you. You love it more than me.”

“I don’t know if that’s true. It’s just the only thing I’ve ever had that was mine. That my parents couldn’t take away. And…it just sucks. That I ruined it for you.”

“You didn’t ruin it for me. I had a choice in our relationship, too, you know?”

“Yes, but…” I splayed my hands out. “I mean, I’m the authority figure. I feels different because we dated before this, but I am your boss. I have the power in this situation. Or it looks like it from the outside. Imagine what it would be like if our genders were reversed. People have been taken down for less especially in this climate.”

He nodded. “I see what you mean. Though I still don’t think you’re to blame.”

“I don’t know this for sure because I wasn’t given a reason or able to talk to Leslie, but I think it was a strategic move. If someone else had found out about us, then it would have looked bad for the campaign. Leslie is touting gender equality, equal pay, more women in politics. All of that equates to more power for women. Then here we are…and it would have looked…no, the spin would have been that I was abusing my power. Just like if it was a man dating a one of his employees. We would have been another hindrance to her campaign. It’s the only real explanation that I could come up with in the post-Court getting arrested phase of Leslie’s campaign.”

“Fuck,” he said, running a hand back through his hair.

“Yeah. And then…unrelated…or sort of…I want to talk about last night.” I took a deep breath. “Can you imagine how I felt last night?”

“Yes. I’m sorry about telling you to go on to the party and not calling you.”

“It’s more than that,” I admitted slowly. “When I saw Claire, I wanted to hurt her. Not physically. Not like that. But I felt a shift inside me. I felt Bad Lark surface, and all the things that I had been trying to tamp down in my personality reappeared as if it had never been gone. And I realized that only you make me feel that way.”

He frowned. “I make you want to do bad things?”

“Yes,” I told him. “It was just like with Melissa. I couldn’t think clearly when she said she wanted you back. It was why I stood on the threshold because I didn’t want to become that person again.”

“I don’t want to make you feel like that,” he said carefully.

“I know. I’ve come to terms with it a bit. I thought it was all bad. But I think it’s just the part of me that doesn’t want to hurt. So, I lash out to protect myself. I don’t want to be vulnerable.” I bit my lip, searching his face. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before, Sam. Not the way that I feel about you. Which is why I lash out when I feel threatened by that. It’s why I did what I did to Melissa and what I wanted to do to Claire.”

“That sounds actually pretty normal, Lark. Maybe not to the extent at which you can lash out at people. You have a certain level of experience in that. But a lot of people get mad when they feel threatened.”

“I know,” I said with a sigh. “And I don’t want to justify my behavior. But I want you to understand where I was coming from last night.”

“I get it. You were afraid of losing me.”

I swallowed. “So…am I losing you?”

His eyes rounded. “You actually think that’s where this is heading?”

My hands shook as I clasped them hard together. “I don’t want to think so. But what am I supposed to think? You stayed with her for two hours. After the diner, I can only imagine that you went home to her last night.”

“I stayed at Court’s,” he told me.

“You…you did?”

“Yes. I told you it’s not what you think. Claire and I aren’t back together.”

“You’re not?” I whispered. Still waiting for that moment where it all fell apart. Still