The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove - By Christopher Moore Page 0,79

town and committed a string of felonies in the process shouldn't be the rain on your little love parade. However, Theo did sub-scribe to the "honest mistake" school of law enforcement, and he honestly believed that she was trying to right a wrong by taking her patients off their medication. So although Val was currently irritating him like a porcu-pine suppository, he was honest enough to realize that he was merely jealous of what she had found with Gabe. That realized, Gabe started to irritate him as well.

"What do we do, Gabe? Tranquilize this thing? Shoot it? What?"

"Assuming it exists."

"Assume it," Theo spat. "I'm afraid if you wait for enough evidence to be sure, we'll have to find you an ass donor, because this creature will have bitten yours off."

"No need to be snotty, Theo. I'm just being sensibly skeptical, as any researcher would."

"Theo," Val said, "I can write you a scrip for some Valium. Might take the edge off your withdrawal symptoms."

Theo scoffed. He didn't scoff often, so he wasn't good at it, and it appeared to Gabe and Val that he might be gacking up a hair ball.

"You all right?" Gabe asked.

"I'm fine. I was scoffing."

"At what?"

"At Dr. Feelgood here wanting to give me a prescription for Valium so Winston Krauss can fill it with M&Ms."

"I'd forgotten about that," Val said. "Sorry."

"It would appear that we have multifarious problems with which to deal, and I don't have a clue where to start," Theo said.

"Multifarious?" Gabe said.

"A shitload," said Theo.

"I know what it means, Theo. I just can't believe it came out of your mouth."

Val laughed gaily at Gabe's kinda-sorta humor. Theo glared at her.

Jenny, who was almost as cranky as Theo for having had to close H.P.'s the night before and then open the restaurant in the morning when the morning girl called in sick, came by to refill their coffees.

"That's your boss pulling up, isn't it, Theo?" she asked, nodding toward the front. Out the window Theo could see Sheriff John Burton crawling out of his black Eldorado.

"Back door?" Theo said, urgent pleading in his eyes.

"Sure, through the kitchen and Howard's office."

Theo was up in a second and halfway to the kitchen when he noticed that Val and Gabe had missed the entire exchange and were staring into each other's eyes. He ran back and slapped the table with his open palm. They looked at him as if they'd been dragged out of a dream.

"Attention," Theo said, trying not to raise his voice. "Sheriff coming in? My boss? Deadly drug dealer? We're criminals. We'll be making a break for the back door? Now? Hello?"

"I'm not a criminal," Gabe said. "I'm a biologist."

Theo grabbed him by the front of the shirt and made for the kitchen, dragging the biologist behind him. The criminal shrink brought up the rear.

The Sheriff

"I'm looking for Betsy Butler," Burton said, flipping open a badge wallet as if everyone in the county didn't immediately recognize his white Stetsonover-Armani look.

"What's she done?" Jenny asked, putting herself between the sheriff and the door to the kitchen.

"That's not your affair. I just need to talk to her."

"Well, I'm on the floor alone, so you have to follow me if you want to talk or I'll get behind."

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Fine." Jenny turned her back on the sheriff and went to the waitress station behind the counter to start a fresh pot of coffee.

Burton followed her, suppressing the urge to put her in a choke hold. "Do you know where she lives?"

"Yes," Jenny said. "But she's not home." Jenny glanced back through the kitchen window to make sure that Theo and his bunch had made it through to Howard's office.

Burton's face was going red now. "Please. Could you tell me where she is?"

Jenny thought she could jerk this guy around for another ten minutes or so, but it didn't look as if it was necessary. Besides, she was pissed at Betsy for calling in anyway. "She called in this morning with a spiritual emergency. Her words, by the way. The flu I can understand, but I'm working a double after closing last night over her spiritual emergency - "

"Where is Betsy Butler?" the sheriff barked.

Jenny jumped back a step. The man looked as if he might go for his gun any second. No wonder Theo had bolted out the back. "She said she was going with a group up to the Beer Bar Ranch. That they were being called by the spirit to make a