After days with little communication and an invisible wall of space between us, the delicate kiss is out of place.
No, it’s guilt in motion.
“If I’m late, don’t wait up.”
Without another word he’s gone, striding away like a determined soldier about to slay his demons, the front door banging shut moments later.
I’m left hollow, staring at the filled bowl of food as my anxiety grows wings.
I don’t know what I’d do if he got hurt. Or worse.
He’s been my constant for weeks. My guiding force. My survival.
I can’t live without him.
I can’t.
The separation solidifies all the questions I’ve had toward my feelings for him. He may not have approved of our first kiss, but I certainly did.
It meant everything to me—hope, strength, new life.
I’m going to tell him, too. When he gets back—if he gets back—I’ll let him know. I won’t be daunted by my feelings anymore.
I’ll do what he’s always wanted. I’ll open up. I’ll talk and talk and talk until he’s sick of hearing my voice.
“Everything okay, Pen?”
Sarah’s question pulls me from my thoughts. She and Hunter are staring at me from the sofa, their movie paused.
“Come over here and have dinner with us.” She waves her fork at me. “It’s actually really good. Who knew that dirt bag could cook?”
“Thanks, but I’m not hungry.”
“What’s wrong? What happened?” She kneels on the sofa. “Pen? What’s going on?”
“Will he be okay?” I let my fears blurt out. “Is he going to be safe?”
Hunter frowns. “Who? Luca?”
“Yes.”
“That dumbass will be fine.” He forks food into his mouth. “Even if he’s not, an STD or two ain’t gonna kill him.”
“Don’t.” Sarah smacks him on the chest, glaring. “That’s not what she was talking about.”
No, it wasn’t. My thoughts weren’t on STDs at all.
My mind was nowhere near sex.
“He’s joking,” she placates me. “You don’t need to worry about Luca at all. He’ll be home before you know it.”
She gives another warning glance to Hunter, the two of them clearly exchanging a silent communication about me. About Luca.
“I don’t understand.” I steady myself against the counter, my stomach hollowing. “What is he doing exactly?”
“Work,” Sarah offers. “Torian needed him to throw his weight around with a local thug. It’s nothing major.”
“But he told me he wasn’t working.”
She pauses, seeming lost for words.
“I don’t know what the big deal is.” Hunter shovels more food into his mouth. “He’s going out to get laid. And I’d bet good money he’ll only need two minutes. Five if I’m being generous.”
The information hits like a backhand, causing a rush of blood to my cheeks. “He has a girlfriend?”
“No.” Sarah shakes her head rapidly, as if the fast tempo can wave away my heartache. “He doesn’t know the woman. It’s just sex. Nothing more.”
Nothing more.
I keep repeating those words in my mind, praying they dislodge the sense of betrayal.
“Oh, okay.” I paste on a smile and pretend I don’t care. That I’m not being torn apart.
I swallow over the tightness strangling my throat. The same throat his gentle hands stroked only days before with comforting reverence.
He’s going out to have sex. To be with another woman.
I don’t want to picture him that way, I don’t, yet the mental images play on a loop.
I imagine his naked body. His perfect muscles. His expression of rapture. I see him giving pleasure to a beautiful woman, one far prettier than I could ever be.
I hear it.
I feel it.
My insides revolt. Twisting. Turning.
I’m going to be sick.
“You okay?” Sarah pushes to her feet. “Do you want to talk?”
“No.” I wave her away and start toward the hall. “It’s fine. Really. It’s none of my business. I’m just going to read for a while.”
I measure my pace, one foot after the other, forcing myself not to run for the sanctuary of my room.
The thought of Luca’s strong hands on another woman guts me in ways I never imagined. It’s not due to disgust over an act that previously sickened me. It’s not my damaged past making me nauseous.
Strange as it is, the thought of sex doesn’t haunt me. That role is now exclusive to jealousy.
I picture him grinding, thrusting, her head kicked back as she cries out for pleasure I’ve never felt.
I close myself into my private bathroom, tears pricking my eyes.
I can’t stay here. I can’t face him once he returns.
Not after that kiss. Not when the burden I’ve placed upon him was far greater than I ever imagined.