To Love Someone (Baytown Boys #14) - Maryann Jordan Page 0,65
Zac had simply opened up the conversation.
Nodding, Joseph agreed, “Yeah, that crazy-ass night is what really made us friends and not just shipmates. Jason had gotten back from bereavement leave, and Zac and I found him drinking alone. We didn’t figure anybody should have to do that.” He held Jason’s gaze. “As much as you were hurting, and still do, I was always envious of the relationship you had with your parents. You didn’t want to go into the same restaurant business as your parents, so you became a mechanic and then joined the Navy. And I remember you telling us that they were proud of you.”
Turning his attention to Zac, he sighed. “I know your dad’s alcoholism split your parents’ marriage apart and made things really hard on you. You talked about the other men in Baytown, your friends’ dads stepping up and stepping in. So, in a crazy, fu— um… messed up way, I was envious of that, too. I told them about my family, and while it might seem nuts, it was Zac and Jason who ended up thinking they had it better than me. Even though I had both parents, they disowned me as soon as they found out I went to the Navy.”
Rose’s face fell, and Maddie immediately rushed, “Oh, Joseph, I’m so sorry.”
He waved away her concern and shrugged. “I never wanted to go back to California after I got out of the Navy. I went once, but there was nothing there for me except my parents’ continued judgement of how I turned my back on their lifestyle, my potential as they liked to call it, my duty to join Dad’s company and make something of my life. I loved how I got to travel with the Navy, and once out, I didn’t stay anywhere very long. I’d travel to a different state, find a job, live in a temporary place, and then move on when the notion hit me. For a long time, I thought I was just being free. But I think I’ve been searching and just haven’t found what I was looking for.”
The others nodded, but Maddie smiled as well. “You’re very self-aware. I wish some of my counselees had your understanding.”
Zac leaned forward, one arm around his wife and the other resting on his knee. “So, Joseph, what are you looking for?”
“A reason to stay.” He shook his head slightly, surprised at the words that came bolting from his lips without the cautious consideration he usually gave. “I… I guess it’s really that simple. I just never found a place that felt like home.”
“And now?” Jason prodded.
He rubbed his chin, the scruff of his beard abrasive against his fingers. “I don’t know. I mean, I don’t have a desire to leave. That’s what I can’t figure out.”
“It scares the shit out of you, doesn’t it?”
He barked out a laugh, appreciating Zac’s ability to cut to the heart of the matter. “I used to get your emails about Baytown. How it was a great place to live. How it was a welcoming place for vets who didn’t have a good place to land when their service was over. It all seemed like such bullshit.”
“I can imagine that coming from your background it did seem like bullshit,” Rose agreed. “But I’m curious. How does it seem now?”
“People are nice. I’ve got a way to make money and a place to live. Although both of those feel temporary, I know there’s more I can do here.”
“And…” Maddie prodded.
He dragged in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Yeah… Samantha. She makes me want more.” The others remained quiet and he pulled his thoughts together. “I like her too much to hurt her if I pull up stakes and leave.” He heaved a sigh. “But if I’m too chickenshit to stay, then I’m missing out on something amazing. I always thought that I was in charge of my life—not living in fear by going where I wanted when I wanted. But the truth is that I’ve been afraid of really living. Letting someone in.”
“I told you earlier that living in fear will keep you from experiencing all that life has to offer,” Jason reminded.
“Ask yourself where would you be if you don’t make this life change? If you keep roaming,” Maddie said, her voice soft.
The idea that he wouldn’t be in Baytown and wouldn’t be with Samantha made his chest hurt and he reached up, rubbing his fist over the ache.