His eyes grew tight, his voice reverent: “That won’t ever happen.”
“And if we started . . . and it somehow went wrong . . .” I had to swallow a few times after saying this, tamping down the storm that happened inside me at the prospect of this. “Anyway. I don’t think the dance was the first place to do that. To bring this life into that one. It would have been too much off the bat.”
“I get that.” He stood, walking over to the futon and sitting down next to me. “I told you already, Mace. I want to be your boyfriend.”
Reaching out, he coaxed me to him, until I was leaning against him, and finally laying my head in his lap. He picked his book back up, and I had mine, and I listened to the even rhythm of his breathing.
“You know,” I said, staring up at the ceiling, while he had one hand slowly dragging again and again through my hair, “these books were sort of the perfect gift.”
“How’s that?”
“Number forty-seven on Mom’s list is to tell me not to have sex until I can talk about sex.”
Beneath me, Elliot went very still. “Yeah?”
“I just think that’s good advice, I guess. Like, if you can’t talk about it, you shouldn’t be doing it.”
A tiny, nervous laugh burst out of him. “Do you want to talk about sex today?”
Giggling, I gently punched him in the thigh, and he feigned pain.
I wanted him to be my boyfriend, too. But I knew even then that I needed baby steps. I wanted the slow transition. I didn’t want to lose a single precious bit of him.
now
wednesday, november 8
Sean is on the couch waiting for me when I come home after midnight. Other than my hike with Elliot, I had a crap day. Knowing what I had to do but avoiding it anyway, I went into work around three in the afternoon—a terrible decision. I ended up delivering two terminal prognoses and halting chemo on a third because the little girl couldn’t tolerate another dose (even though her cancer could). I’m in a mental place where I know I’m doing Good but it just doesn’t feel like it, and seeing Sean on the couch intensifies the self-flagellation.
“Hey, babe.” He pats the cushion next to where he sits.
I shuffle over, falling down beside him. Not really onto him, or in any sort of snuggly position. For one, I’m in scrubs and want to shower. And two, it just feels weird to lean into him. There’s this invisible force field there, repelling me.
As if reading my mind, Sean says, “We probably need to talk.”
“Yeah, probably do.”
He takes my left hand in both of his, massaging my palm with his thumbs. The touch is distracting because it’s wonderful and reminds me of all the other wonderfully distracting things Sean can do with the rest of his body.
“I’m pretty sure you’re not happy,” he says.
I turn and look at him. It takes a few seconds for his face to come into focus because he’s so close, and I’m so tired, but when it does I can see how much this is actually wearing on him. Just because he didn’t talk about it didn’t mean he wasn’t thinking about it.
Sean and I are exactly alike.
“Are you?” I ask.
Shrugging with one shoulder, he admits, “Not really.”
“Can I ask you something?”
His smile is genuine. “Of course, babe.”
His answer won’t change how I feel, but I have to know. “Do you love me?”
The smile straightens, and he searches my expression for a few breaths. “What?”
“Do you love me?” I ask again. “Seriously.”
I can tell he is taking it seriously. And I can tell that he’s not so much surprised that I asked as he is surprised at his own instinctive answer.
“It’s okay,” I say quietly. “Just answer.”
“I think I need the word between like and love, which means . . .”
“ ‘I hold her in great esteem,’ ” I say with a smile.
Never, in the history of time, has a breakup been so gentle. There’s barely a ripple in the water. So maybe we were barely together enough to even break.
“Do you love me?” he asks, brows pulled together.
“I’m not sure.”
“Which means no,” he says, smiling.
“I love you . . . as a friend,” I say. “I love Phoebs. I love how easy this is, and how little it requires of me right now.”
He’s nodding. He gets it.
“But trying to imagine this”—I gesture between us—“for the rest of my life?”