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continued, unperturbed, “is what this big stone tower is doing in the middle of a hedge maze.”

Ialdir: “No, no, this is really cool.”

[Raid][Prospero]: Oh God, you’ve started him

[Raid][Ignatius]: Run awaaaaaaaay!

“About two-thirds of the way into Legend II,” Ialdir—or Jacob, Drew still wasn’t sure which he preferred to be called—began, “Raziel goes to speak to this man named Vilicus, who studied the secrets of immortality with the dark elves. And this is basically the tower he hangs out in.”

“Yes,” added Bjorn, “if you played the original games, which you wouldn’t because you were a foetus, there’s lots of things you’d recognise.”

“Yeah, but why is it in a maze.” Dave still didn’t sound convinced.

Ialdir sighed. “Because Vilicus betrayed Raziel, which meant the Ritual of Torment Raziel was using to try and save his homeland went wrong, and they all got sucked down into the underworld.”

“Oh right. But why is it in a maze?”

“Because,” growled Bjorn, “it will allow us to get phat loots. Now shut up and hit things.”

They shut up and hit things, and finally arrived at Vilicus’s torture chamber. It was a vast, circular room with grooves cut into the bloodstained floor, chains hanging from the walls and ceiling, and gruesome, improbable-looking torture devices scattered around like socks on laundry day.

Vilicus himself was a tall, dark-haired man in a blood-red robe. Drew knew that up close his face was a horrible patchwork of scars.

[Yell][Vilicus]: Immortality is found through pain. Come, friends, and I will make you immortal.

Morag sighed. “Okay, so Vilicus is a three-phase fight. I don’t know how you did it in Anni, Drew, but we normally three-heal this one. We only need one tank, so I’m going to go Endurance. Everyone give me a tick while I switch specs and change into my healing pants.”

Anni’d had Vilicus on farm for the last couple of months. They’d taken to using this really cheesy strat where they’d had one healer, one tank, and everyone else on DPS to grab the damage buff and burn him down as fast as possible. Unfortunately, you could only get away with that if you were already ridiculously overgeared. Drew had sort of forgotten how to do the fight properly and, in a way, was looking forward to trying, because while it was a total pig, it was also one of the most interesting fights in the dungeon.

Morag had swapped her platemail for slightly different-looking platemail and a slightly gentler-looking sword. “Right. So, in phase one, Drew, can you tank him in a circle so Tainted Blood doesn’t spread too far? Melee DPS, seriously don’t stand in the shit. If you get Curse of Blood, run the fuck away. If you get Curse of Flesh stand the fuck still and let everyone stack on you. If someone gets Curse of Bone, all deeps on them, and get them out again. Phase two, same, but don’t stand in blades. Phase three, all that stuff, but we need to get him down before we get too many Tormented Spirits. Bjorn and Jargogle, you’re our top DPS, so run to the torture equipment and grab Glory Through Pain ASAP.”

“I’ll hop on the rack,” said Bjorn. “You get in the iron maiden.”

“If either of them go down, then prio is: Ignatius, Caius, Dave, Ialdir.”

[Raid][Ialdir]: :(

Bjorn snorted. “Dude, that’s what you get for playing a pet class.”

[Raid][Solace]: Morag’s on Ella, but if you could help out with Glory Through Pain, that’d be great.

[Raid][Solace]: I’ll prio Bjorn and Magda, and prop up the raid.

[Raid][Prospero]: And I’ll heal every-fucking-body.

[Raid][Solace]: I’ll play it by ear, but if the damage from Glory gets too high I’ll be purging at about 40%

Once everyone had readychecked, Ella ran into the room, punched Vilicus in the knee, and then started moving him in a tight circle. As the Torturer took damage, his blood began pooling on the floor, and Drew edged him out to make room for the melee. Mumble was loud again, and slightly frantic.

“No, no, run away!”

“Not that way!”

“This way!”

“I said towards, dipshits!”

Drew’s health dipped alarmingly, so he threw up Unholy Resolve. Hopefully it’d be off cooldown again by the time the next phase started. He flicked a glance at the raid’s healthbars. They weren’t looking good, most of them hovering at about the forty-percent mark.

Suddenly there was a massive, fleshy explosion, and Prospero and Heurodis both went grey.

[Yell][Vilicus]: DELICIOUS AGONY!

[Raid][Prospero]: ded

“Where the fuck were the melee?” roared Bjorn. “What the fuck? When someone gets Curse of Flesh, you stack on them, you don’t just