it was over. What she would have loved most was another chance, a chance to be better than she had been, to do it right this time, and win her love. She would have loved to make her mother happy instead of angry. But she had made her so angry, and been so bad, that her mother had had to leave her. They both had. Gabriella couldn't say that to Mother Gregoria, she didn't want her ever to know how bad she was, how terrible, how much she deserved this. And knowing how bad she had been, and how much they had hated her, it was impossible to believe anyone would ever want her. The nuns did. Maybe God. But He knew how bad she was, how wrong she had been, and how much at times she hated her parents… but he also knew, as she lay on her bed alone in the room for once, as she began to sob, how much she missed them… she would never see either of them again… and she knew it. She had driven both of them away… with her badness. And there was no hiding from the truth now. There was no hiding from the fact that they had never loved her. How could they, she asked herself, as she lay there and cried… how could they… how could anyone? It was her destiny, her fate, her life sentence… her punishment for having been so bad for so long… her curse, and she believed in it to her very core. She knew as she lay on her bed that day that not only had they not loved her, but no one ever could, not if they really knew her. And no amount of Hail Marys and confessions and rosaries could change that.
She went through the motions for the rest of the day, thinking of what Mother Gregoria had said… and about her mother in California. She was quiet at dinner that night, went to confession afterward as usual, and went to her room with Natalie and Julie. She was in bed before either of them, and she burrowed down to the bottom of the bed, as she always did, and lay there thinking about all of it. Her parents were both marrying other people, her father had “new” children to replace her… her mother didn't want any children at all, or maybe she would now… good ones… not bad ones this time… They had new lives, new husbands and wives… and Gabriella had to live with knowing why they had left her… and knowing that if she'd been better, things might have been different. She had a lifetime to make up for it, to give herself to God, and other people, to atone for her sins, regret all that she had done, and forgive all that had been done to her. The priest had told her in the confessional later that night that the responsibility was hers now, and what she had to strive for, for the rest of her life, was forgiveness. She repeated it over and over to herself that night as she fell asleep… forgiveness… forgiveness… she had to forgive them… it was all her fault… she had to forgive them… forgive them… and halfway through the night, they heard her screaming… her screams resounded down the long, dark halls, echoing off the walls… It took three of them to wake her, and they finally had to call Mother Gregoria to calm her… the memories of the beatings had been too clear, too real, she could feel the blood on her head again, the blinding pain in her ear, the shattering of her ribs, the aching in her limbs where she had been kicked so often… and she knew she would never forget it. And as she lay sobbing in the Mother Superior's arms that night, all she could say again and again was, “I have to forgive them… I have to forgive them…” Mother Gregoria held her until she slept again, and watched her silently until she saw peace on the small face at last, and she understood better than anyone, or thought she did, how much Gabriella had to forgive them. And she knew, as Gabriella did, that it would take her a lifetime to do it.
Chapter 7
THE NEXT FOUR years were peaceful ones for Gabriella, living in the quiet safety of St. Matthew's. She continued studying with the nuns who taught her there. Julie became a