He shook his head, his eyes hooded. “She told me she liked to stare at our Christmas tree, too, because it reminded her of our family’s story, and that always helped her. I didn’t know what it helped her with, and I don’t know if it continued to help her—I’m guessing not—but that morning, I had my mom. And it felt damn good. I got a little glimmer of what it’s like to feel a mother’s love.”
He looked at me then. “I don’t really know what you’re going through right now. You lost your mom, your ex-boyfriend is a jackass, your dad’s MIA, and I know your two best friends have left you high and dry. One left you in the literal sense.”
I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see the pain on his face. It was hidden in the deepest places where only someone who felt a similar pain could sense it. I did, and it brought up all my turmoil once again.
“Taylor,” he said.
He’d never felt his mother’s love except for that one morning. I’d felt my mother’s love so many times. So many mornings she’d woken me with pancakes for breakfast, made me a sack lunch even when I didn’t want it, proudly displayed my school pictures on the wall, went to any competition I was in. The tears were starting. I didn’t fight them anymore.
“I’ve heard people talk about you, and your ‘family’,” I told him. “Your brother, Sam, even Nate. I overheard some girls in the library talking about you, and they were jealous. You guys are so close, so tight-knit, and your walls are so high. No one can break ‘em down, and no one can climb over.”
His hand squeezed mine.
“I heard those girls saying that stuff, and I thought, even though I’d just lost my mom—and dad in a way—I was lucky. I had Jason and Claire, even though I know Claire isn’t that great of a friend, but I was actually kinda happy. You and I became friends—maybe more than friends—and I felt good. But now…” I clung so tightly to his hand. “I feel like I only have you, and I don’t even know what this is. Jason left, and I lost one more person in my life.”
He didn’t say anything, and I wasn’t looking at him anymore, but I felt him turn to me.
“I can’t cling to you,” I said.
“Taylor—” he started.
I shook my head, forcing myself to let go of his hand. “I’m in a place right now that’s not good, and I’m not going to be one of those girls who pretends this is more than it is.”
“Wait a minute—”
I had to be strong. I had to shut it down, shut him down. “It’s like I’m in a tornado right now, and instead of having something solid to cling to, I’m holding on to a tree branch. It’ll break, and it’ll be destroyed, and I will, too. Whatever this is, you and me, I can’t destroy it. I can’t.”
“You want space? Is that what you’re saying?”
“I want…” I would not break down. That was all I could focus on, but I forced myself to say, “I don’t want space, but I need it.”
I finally looked up and saw a stricken look in his eyes. I’d surprised him. Good, I thought. There was no hurt. I hadn’t made him feel pain. “I need—I can’t hold on to you right now,” I continued. “I can’t destroy whatever we have. I can’t do that, Logan.”
He turned away and gazed out over the city. After a beat, his jaw hardened. “That’s bullshit.”
And there it was. The backlash. “Logan, I—”
“I fucking care about you. I told you about my mom. I told you about Mason. I don’t let people in, and I let you in.”
“Logan…”
“No—” He launched himself out of the car, rocking it a little with the sudden movement. He glared at me. “I’m not being conceited. That’s not what I’m doing here, but I let you in, Taylor. So many people want in, but you got in. You got in when my last girlfriend tried for an entire year to get in, and she didn’t. But you did. You!”
“Logan—” Letting him go now meant he couldn’t walk from me later. This was for the best. We would’ve ended anyway. Everything ended. Everyone walked away.
His nostrils flared. His hands curled into fists. He shook his head. “So because you surrounded yourself with shithead friends means I’m getting