to remember it; it was going to be the last one for some time.
“This doesn’t change anything,” he said as he pulled away. “I’ll be home soon. Nothing is different, not inside.”
“Everything is different,” she said, her voice cracking. “Except for how I feel about you.”
“And it’s not for long. When I get back, I promise that I’ll spend the rest of my life making your dreams come true. Every wish you’ve ever made. When I told you it was forever, I meant it.”
“So did I,” she whispered, her voice breaking. His pace was slow and heavy when he walked away, Elizabeth wishing all the time that he would turn around for one last look. Her wish came true as he reached the corner, turning for one final memory. “I’ll come and see you off,” she shouted. “I’ll watch from the headland.” He nodded and waved, and then disappeared around the corner, leaving her standing on the empty pavement in the soft light of the streetlamp. But she realized then that forever didn’t mean a thing if the thing that you loved was gone.
Now
Three days had passed since the doctor had told them that there was nothing more they could do. For the first twenty-four hours Tom barely opened his eyes, while Alice and Elizabeth sat vigil. Texts to Kate went unanswered. How Elizabeth wished her daughter were here now. An emptiness hollowed her out like hunger, a longing for her child’s touch. Knowing it was the braver choice, she also tried to call, but unsure she was going to be able to get the words out, she hung up before even dialing the number.
The nurses came and went, but there was nothing any of them could do that really helped. When it came to leaving, neither Alice nor Elizabeth wanted to go, and they had been grateful for Brian’s visits, delivering packed food and drinks, along with a respite from their self-imposed isolation. But on the third night the nurses insisted. “You’re no good to anybody like this,” one of them said. “You’re running yourself into the ground, and he needs you to be strong.” So they kissed his head and prayed as they left. Not for a miracle, but instead just for a word, a smile, something they could use to bolster their reserves.
It didn’t come.
Alice broke down after they left, and despite her own feelings, Elizabeth found herself in the role of comforter. The thin frame of Tom’s daughter shook in her arms, and so, imagining it was Kate, she held her close, as tightly as she could. Alice always seemed so well put together, so in control of her emotions, like Kate always was, that it was a shock to find themselves like that, pressed up against each other in the cold of night. Even on the occasions Brian had visited, to an outsider it could have been a total stranger sitting there in the room with them. No expressed love or need on her part. But leaving her father brought all those hidden emotions fizzing to the surface, like a pot left gently simmering, and eventually she boiled over while standing at the entrance to the hospital with the smell of the city all around them.
“I just didn’t think it would be so soon,” Alice said, pulling away from Elizabeth after some time. Elizabeth pulled a fresh tissue from her pocket and handed it to her. Alice took it, almost involuntarily. “It’s like he’s already gone.”
“He’s just in shock, love. And remember, they didn’t give us a time frame,” Elizabeth tried. “We have no idea how long he has left yet.” In truth, it was all she’d been thinking about since Dr. Jones had told them there was nothing they could do, but even when she asked, nobody seemed to want to give a definitive answer.
“Whatever time we have left, it won’t be enough,” Alice said, wiping her nose and then her eyes.
Elizabeth couldn’t disagree there. She had tried not to cry but hadn’t quite succeeded so took a moment to find another tissue.
“It’s like they have written him off,” Alice said, breaking down again. “And I gave them permission.”
“You had no other choice, love.” Elizabeth hoped to God that Alice hadn’t been mulling the decision not to resuscitate over in her mind, as if she were responsible for the doctors’ decision. “That kind of thing is down to them, not us. They just try to make us feel involved.”