think I’d feel the same way. Maybe because Sebastian’s still so little…” She stops for a second, aware that she still talks about her son in the present tense. “And maybe because I know it’s my fault, that what I did that day is the reason he’s not here with me.”
“You gotta stop blaming yourself, Mar. Sometimes I wish…”
“What? Say it.”
“Sometimes I wish you could know, either way. So you could move on. Like Frances.”
“But I’m not Frances,” she says. “I need to know what happened to Bash, but if I ever find out for certain that my little boy is dead, I’m as good as dead, too.”
“Still?” Sal’s voice is anguished. “You still feel that way?”
Marin has no idea how they got on this subject, or why they’re even having this conversation. She hasn’t even had her coffee yet. But if he wants the honest truth, she’s going to give it to him.
“I never want to see my son lying in a casket, Sal. I don’t ever want to have a funeral for him. I do need to know what happened to him, because living like this is hell. But if the answer is that he’s dead, I’d jump off a bridge tomorrow.”
“I guess I already knew that.” Sal sounds miserable. “I thought I’d ask. I wasn’t sure if yesterday changed anything for you.”
“Where you headed, anyway?”
“Prosser.”
“Again?” Marin sits down on the toilet to pee. If Sal can hear her urinating, he doesn’t say anything. “What is that, the third time this week? What’s going on with Lorna now?”
She does the mental calculation as Sal lists off his mother’s current ailments. Prosser is a three-hour drive from Seattle. That’s a ton of mileage and wear and tear on his car.
“She’s been complaining about her other hip. You remember how brutal the recovery of her first hip surgery was.”
“Yes, I do.” She flushes the toilet. “She had her hip replaced right before Sebastian—”
“Right.”
“I should come see her. I feel bad I haven’t been out there since he … since it all happened.”
There’s a long pause. “She understands. But trust me, I don’t think you want to come visit. It’s depressing. She sits around all day, watching her soaps.”
“You know what, I’ll definitely come visit her,” Marin says. “When’s a good time? How long are you there till?”
“Until tomorrow, probably. Honestly, Mar, it’s really not—”
“Sal, don’t be so goddamned stubborn. I want to help. I could stay longer this time. The change of scenery might be good for me. I wouldn’t mind getting out of the city.”
Marin’s getting excited about the idea, about the thought of those vineyards stretching for miles in every direction. While she’s there, maybe they could go wine tasting, something she used to love to do, and there are nearly three dozen wineries to choose from. She never has to pay for tastings when she goes with Sal; being the heir to the former Palermo Wine Estates has its advantages. Sal’s father may have been a tyrant, but the family name is still highly respected in Prosser.
“I’ll let you know, okay?” Sal says. “I don’t know when a good time will be—”
“Maybe I’ll call Lorna, ask her directly.” Marin’s teasing, but not really. Sal isn’t great when it comes to making plans, and if she waits for him to get back to her on dates, she might be waiting forever. “She loved having me last time. I’ll bring up some of those trashy novels she likes—”
“She has a Kindle now.”
“And take her into Yakima for a movie—”
“She can’t sit in the theater for that long, her hip—”
“And I’ll bring up some DVDs. I need someone to watch chick flicks with. Has she seen The Notebook? I could—”
“For fuck’s sake, I said no!” Sal shouts, and Marin stops talking. “She doesn’t want to see you, okay? Other than my father, you’re the greatest fucking disappointment of my mother’s life. You’re the girl I should have married, but never did. It hurts her to see you, and to see that I can never move on from you. She thinks you’re messing with me, and she doesn’t understand why we’re still friends after all these years. Every time she sees you, she gets her hopes up, and I can’t keep disappointing her.”
His breath is coming faster now. Marin can only hope Sal has both hands on the steering wheel and is focused on the road. She can hardly believe what he’s saying. He’s never said any of this to her