This Little Light - Lori Lansens Page 0,71
Think she knows?”
I hadn’t told Fee that Morena was facing deportation. I couldn’t tell her now. But I also couldn’t lie. Of course her mother would’ve heard what the Feds just announced. “She’ll understand.”
“She won’t.”
“But she like the babies?” Paula said hopefully.
“Not really,” Fee said.
“How you gonna raise a baby by yourself, Fee?” I asked.
“I can’t raise a baby by myself.”
“You give to adoption?” Paula said.
Fee shook her head.
Even Paula, at ten years old, knew what Fee meant.
“I’m gonna take care of it,” Fee said quietly.
Paula slumped back against the shed wall and returned the Dancing Dina game to the backpack. The fun—if you can call it that—was over.
“Are you saying…?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Yes?”
“Yes.”
I know I was grasping at straws. I just didn’t wanna believe this was happening. I mean, on top of everything else? So I said, “Some of those tests are sketch, Fee. Where’d you get it? You need ID to get a pregnancy test. Is that why you went to Cerritos?”
“Yes.”
“So?”
“I’m pregnant, Ror.”
“And you waited? I mean, you waited until Friday to get a test? You waited until yesterday to pee on the freaking stick?”
She shrugged by way of explanation. “I was gonna keep pretending. I was gonna do it next week, after the ball and everything. But I was looking in the mirror yesterday. I’ve gotten so puffy. And I decided I had to know.”
“Why did you bring the freaking test in your freaking purse?”
“I did it right before we went to Jinny’s. I didn’t wanna leave it in the trash ‘cause I was worried my mother’d find it, and my purse was right there, and I didn’t exactly expect any of this to happen.”
“Oh my God, Fee. I wish you’d told me.”
“I didn’t wanna tell anybody. Ever,” she said, tears falling now. “I prayed to have a miscarriage. Is that evil?”
Paula grabbed one of the extra T-shirts from the backpack so she could blow her nose.
“It’s okay,” I said. “I get it.”
Paula nodded like she did too.
“Does the father know? I mean, he knows now, but did you call him after you took the test?”
Fee’s chin started to quiver.
“What did he say?”
“Well, he wasn’t happy.”
Happy. “Guess not.”
“He’s actually pretty mad.”
“Mad at you?”
“Mad at the situation.”
“Right. So you didn’t use protection? Sorry, but…?”
“Please don’t do that. Please don’t judge.”
“You found out about all this yesterday and you’ve already made up your mind about…?” I couldn’t even say it.
She looked up. “I’ve made up my mind. So what?”
“Nothing.”
“I mean, you wouldn’t be against it. I read your blog. Remember?”
“Did you tell the father what you were gonna do?”
“We agreed,” she said.
“Okay then.”
Paula stood up to look out the window. She didn’t wanna talk about Fee’s pregnancy anymore. “The wind is strong,” she said.
Fee got frantic all of a sudden. “The DNA? Will they be able to tell who the father is from that test?”
“I don’t know. But I don’t think so.”
Thoughts of every male we’d ever come in contact with flashed through my mind. Hidden Oaks neighbors. School staff. The guy with the tats from iPhone Fix? Nah. No one made sense. Who the fuck knocked up my best friend? The only person I could cross off the list for sure was Dante—Fee’s cousin. First because cousin, and second because, not counting Friday’s trip, Fee hadn’t been to Cerritos since early July, which would make her five months pregnant, and she’s not.
“I didn’t ever want anyone to find out. And now the whole country knows.”
“Yeah.”
“And if I…you know…when I…they’ll know about that too.”
“Yeah.”
“I guess I could say I lost it.”
“Lost it?” Paula was confused.
“Fee?”
“The whole country knows about me, but if they find out about him…Oh, God,” Fee said. “If anything happens to him, I’ll die.”
“You won’t die. And whoever he is, I mean, he will get what he deserves.”
“He doesn’t deserve to lose everything he’s built, Rory. He oesn’t.”
Lose everything he’s built. And then it hit me. Jagger Jonze. Yes. That could explain why she’s been defending him, disbelieving that Jinny or Jagger could be involved in framing us, let alone involved with each other. The Reverend totally eye-fucked Fee that night of orientation. Oh my God. Could he be the father?
“You’re protecting a guy who clearly is not protecting you, Fee. You get that, right?”
“I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.”
“Fee…?” I took a stab. “Is it Jagger Jonze?”
“What?”
“Is Jagger Jonze the father of your baby?”
“That’s crazy.” She hid her face. “It’s crazy. But is it true?”
“Stop.”
“You can tell me, Fee.”
“Leave me alone, Rory. Please.”
I did.