happy and free, like nothing’s ever weighing him down.
I wish I could be like that. I wish I could just take these regrets off my shoulders and toss them out into the water, letting my hair hang wild and free. I wish I could shed the mistakes of my past and start over, but those mistakes are a part of me. I don’t even know how to be me without them.
I honestly don’t even understand how a guy like Colton could be interested in someone like me. I’m not at all the type of girl he usually dates, and if he knew the baggage I bring with me into any relationship, he might want to turn this boat around and take me home.
But we’re here, and I’m determined to make the most of it.
What if he’s right? What if all this time I’ve been pushing everyone away, I’ve been missing out on something important?
“Where are we going?” I have to shout over the sound of the motor and the wind.
“There’s a little place about a mile from here where I’ve gotten lucky quite a few times, so I thought we’d start there,” he says.
Gotten lucky? God, I really hope he’s talking about fishing, and not about all the other girls he’s brought out on his little river adventure. I don’t even want to think about how many girls he’s probably surprised with a fun date like this. Colton Tucker, always up for a good time.
I hate that twist in my gut when I think about what this all must mean for him. Why can’t I just relax and have a good time?
But I already know the answer. I don’t want to be just another notch in his bedpost. And I’m not sure he’s looking for anything more.
I wish I could talk to him about all this, and tell him how worried I am. But you don’t do that at the beginning of a… whatever this is. Do you? I always imagined it was supposed to be something natural that you just sort of fell into. But I’m not fond of the falling part. Or at least I’m not fond of the hitting the ground part of it. I just want to know where it’s all going so that I can protect my heart from whatever’s coming next.
“What in the world are you thinking about?” he says. “From the look on your face, I’d think your favorite kitten just died.”
I take a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I was getting wrapped up in my head for a while there.”
I don’t dare tell him what I was thinking about.
He cuts off the motor and stands, the boat teetering back and forth. He laughs and holds his arms out for balance. He slowly makes his way over to where I’m sitting at the very front of the boat. He kneels down in front of me.
“Close your eyes,” he says softly. With the motor turned off and the boat stopped, it’s suddenly very calm and still out here.
I search his eyes, trying to figure out what he’s going to do, but he reaches up and covers my eyes with his hand.
“Okay, okay,” I say. “They’re closed.”
He doesn’t move his hand. Instead, he moves onto the seat right next to me, his warm body pressed against my side.
“Just breathe,” he whispers in my ear. “Listen. Don’t think. Hear the water moving against the bottom of the boat. The wind rustling through the trees. The animals moving out there in the woods just off the bank. For just a minute, don’t worry about work or responsibility. Just be, Jo. Just be a part of this.”
I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with cold autumn air. I hear the slap of water against the side of the boat. Something moves, its feet crunching through the leaves in the woods to our left. I breathe again, my shoulders relaxing.
Colton’s hand drops to mine, and my eyes flutter open. I turn my head to look at him, and his deep green eyes stare right into mine.
He’s right. I never do this. I never let loose and just have a good time anymore. I never just enjoy anything.
What’s happened to me?
“I don’t know how to do this,” I say. “Not just listen or breathe. I don’t know how to date someone, or even if this is dating. I don’t know what you want or how to—”
“Shhh,” he says, placing a fingertip over my lips. “You don’t have to