“Lovely, are we back to that again?” He tilts his head forcing a sad smile.
I nod. “Let’s just get this shit over with. Let’s fuck each other’s brains out and get back to business.”
He nods his head, agreeing with my statement, or pretending to agree with my statement. I’m too confused to decode.
“What would make you happy, love? Should I climb up your face and gag you with my cock? Will that please you? Or perhaps I should turn you around and fuck you up your arse so your pussy stays untouched for Jeffery, the love of your life? Is that what you fancy? Does that sound nice, Sara?”
I close my eyes because emotionally, I can’t do this anymore. My heart and head will never be on the same team. My heart knows what it wants and yet my head does everything to sabotage any chance of happiness I may ever possibly experience.
“I can’t play pretend anymore. I can’t pretend you actually want me in this hotel and not Emily. I can’t pretend that if I keep letting you look at me like that, I won’t be even more broken than before we met, once you leave. Where will I go once you finish fucking me? I don’t have a home; I just have me and my lies—that’s my home. I don’t want you to look at me like I mean more to you than just some whore you met in a hotel bar. A whore you’ve witnessed get fucked and abandoned in the middle of the night. I know who I am, Liam, do you? Just fuck me so we get the tension out of the way and then you won’t need to wonder ‘what if.’ You and I mean nothing to each other, let’s not pretend anymore.”
There. I’ve said it all. It hurts and it’s raw, but it’s true and I’m proud of myself for saying it all out loud.
“Shut up, you stupid girl. I need you to shut your brain for a bit. I’m not a pretender and there is no one I desire to be under me but you. Get that through your head! Just you! You! You! Yes, you’re right, I don’t know everything about you, but you mean something to me…you mean a lot. Stop asking me to fuck you because I won’t. I need to love you, and you need to let me love you, and you need to start loving you. Your secrets and fibs don’t define you. I want you, Sara, and you need to stop pretending you don’t want me to love you.”
All I have to do is let him in. He’s already in, but now he needs for me to invite him. I want this, I want him and nothing or no one should stand in my way, not JJ, not Emily, and not some tape. This is different than what happened with Jeff. “Liam, I want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life, but I’m petrified because I know I don’t deserve you. I don’t want to cause you more pain, but I do need you, I need you so much. I don’t have anybody, I only have you.”
I’m on the verge of tears, but he smiles as if I’ve just given him the best news of his life. Seeing him happy makes me delirious. He has to be the cure to my disease, the cure that I’ve been praying for. I always believed that JJ would be my cure and make everything right, but even Jeff doesn’t make me feel the things I feel when this man looks at me. I feel alive and happy and above all, I feel loved. As fucked up as this is, I think somebody actually loves me.
“No more tears,” he sternly warns me. “I just need my ballerina to keep smiling. I think I can handle anything this wretched life hurls at me as long as I have someone by my side. No! Not just someone; as long as you and I are here for one another, I can handle anything. Let me try to make you happy, Sara. You’re the first person in a long time I’ve wanted to make happy for all the right reasons. I don’t know what he did to you, but I won’t do the same thing. Please trust me,” he says, lowering his head to my neck as he begins to softly but thoroughly