She places her laptop on the bed and walks over to me. My heart actually gets lodged in my throat as she approaches. She gives a small smile that may actually make me burst and then she sits in my lap, curling herself into me and nestling every part of her beautiful body as if molding us together. She has no idea what she’s doing to me. I wrap my arms around her and bring her as close as I can without crushing her delicate bones.
I’ve never felt this. I don’t even know what this feeling is called. I’ve fancied girls before, I’ve lusted over them before, I’ve even thought I found love before, but this is a feeling I can’t grasp. I’m not even sure if she’s making everything worse or better. Isa brought me to Emily, and Emily brought me to Sara. I just don’t reckon letting her go, despite not knowing whom she belongs to. I look down and I’m happy to have this beautiful, broken ballerina trust me and let me be this close. I inhale her scent and it makes me lightheaded. I want to let myself have this moment, to have this small ounce of joy, and then I remember how cruel the world I inhabit is. I recall how everything I’ve ever loved gets ripped away from me, and suddenly, I want to give her back before she gets taken away, too.
I kiss the top of her head, and whisper to her, “Sara, if I accidentally like you more than I should, will you allow me to keep you?” I feel her kissing up my chest, not answering my plea. “Please don’t make me believe I can have you, only to have you go back to him.” She still doesn’t answer me. My heart literally aches as if she’s squeezing it tight by ignoring my request. I shouldn’t be scared to make love to her, even if just for one day, even if I’m disposable to her. I will have a part of her to cherish and enjoy even if just during my musings. We ought to have this, even if he comes back to take her away from me, he won’t be able to take away what we’ve shared together… I’ll own that.
She finally sits up in my lap and looks at me. I look back into her beautiful eyes. She’s not the American girl from the pub, she’s not the sad lonely girl I found this morning, she is not even Emily’s best mate, she is my Sara. She doesn’t have to say another word, her eyes tell me everything.
I get up and lift us both from the chair and lay her on the bed. I don’t need to ask her for anything, she already said yes. I remove all her clothes without looking away once. I’ve shed my clothing, too, and we’re both gloriously naked. I look down at her beautiful body and all I want is to be permitted to be the keeper and the owner of every cell, every freckle. I lower my head and kiss those sweet, tender lips. I spread her legs and position myself between her long elegant limbs. What joy would it be to start and end each day with those sexy lips? I don’t think I’d be able to sleep at night knowing those lips were sleeping right beside me. I kiss her and can’t help but smile, causing those lips I can’t seem to get enough of to smile, too. No words, we don’t need words. I know I want her. I’ve earned her. Even if for a moment, I deserve a bit of happiness.
I deepen our kiss, filling her mouth with my tongue. I lower myself on top of her, letting our bodies touch. I may be on top but she’s in control; she has me in the palm of her hand and right now, I would do anything she asks of me. I see her start to close her eyes and a slow panic starts spreading down my body. No! No! I yell inside, Open your eyes Sara, as if I’m about to lose her. As if once those eyes close, our time will be over. I take hold of her face, which startles her and she opens her eyes and looks at me in confusion.
“Don’t go,” I say to her.
A pained smile forms on her lips and she says, “I have nowhere to go.”