haven’t even been able to see Michelle. It’s just not normal how inundated I am with work right now.” He was silent for a bit, waiting for me to say something. I slowly realized that everybody except for Emily had virtually forgotten that it was my eighteenth birthday. Eddie started talking again when I didn’t offer any conversation. “How’s school? Can you believe you have one more year of high school? Are you looking into colleges? I think Brown would be a great choice for you, too.”
“Yeah, Brown would be sweet. I can’t wait to leave this house. Well, I just wanted to let ya know I miss you much and can’t wait to see you.” I tried my best to hold back the tears that came dangerously close to falling and a sob that begged to come out. “Love you, Eddie. Good luck on your exams, and say hi to Michelle.”
“I will, sis. And I can’t wait to see how tall you’ve gotten. If law school doesn’t work out, you can start modeling at the rate you’ve been growing.” Funny, because I always thought modeling would be a perfect career choice for me, too. Then my life could really be one big lie. I’d be fake both inside and out.
I remember getting off the phone with Eddie and lying down on my bed. I was eighteen fucking years old and there I was, crying and feeling worthless and unloved. Well, in my defense, not a single member of my family wished me a happy birthday, my fictional boyfriend forgot his promise or that I existed, and I lied to my best friend about being with him, so I really was all alone. The sad part was even if I wanted to call Jeffery, I couldn’t. I had no idea what his number was. We never got that far, he was the one to always call me from my brother’s phone. I just always assumed he would seek me out and find me. Wasn’t that what chivalrous men always did in books and movies?
I was delusional in all ways possible. Thinking back now, I don’t know why I worked so hard to try and be someone else. I wasn’t so bad, was I? I didn’t mean to make up stories and hurt people in the process, but the train was already moving at full steam and there was no way for me to jump off. I would no doubt crash and anybody who got too close to me would suffer the consequences.
I fell asleep alone in my room on my eighteenth birthday that night, dreaming up all the wonderful things Jeffery would never do to me. I knew that when I woke up the next day, I needed to find Jeff and have him make good on his promise of ruining me. I had nothing to lose. I would find him and tell him he already ruined me with just a kiss and his empty promises.
The next morning, my phone rang, stirring me from a romantic dream of Jeff nuzzling my neck and repeating how he would fuck me when I was grown up.
“What?” I said irritably into my mobile.
“I’m a shitty older brother. I can’t believe I forgot it was your day yesterday. I’m so sorry, Sara, I’ve been so off and Michelle wants us to see other people, so I’ve been inside my own head chewing shit up. I’m sorry, sis. Happy birthday! If it wasn’t for Jeff asking me what you had planned for your birthday, I probably would’ve forgotten all about it.” Eddie finished his “I’m sorry” speech but all I heard was that Jeff had asked about me. He remembered it was my eighteenth birthday yesterday. My heart pumped so hard it lodged itself in my throat.
“Sara, are you there? Did you hear me?”
“Yes, you’re the shittiest brother in the world and your girlfriend wants to find herself a new man,” I said, elated with excitement at Eddie’s revelation.
“Thank you, Sara. Would you like a knife to finish me off? For fuck’s sake, do you really think Michelle wants to find another guy? I was just thinking that she’s trying to get me to commit and see her more often. Shit! What if she already found another guy?” Eddie suddenly sounded frantic. I remember thinking he must really like this Michelle. I’d never heard him panic about anything—especially not a girl.
“Eddie, relax, I was just fucking with you. I’m sure she’s just playing games to