world lift from me when he said he wanted me. Oh thank God, I repeated in my head. I climbed out of the covers, still sniffling, and sat right next to him on the edge of my bed. I recall wanting to climb into his lap but settled for putting my hand on his upper thigh to assure him that I was on the same page with him.
“Jeff, what’s the problem? You want me, I want you,” I said between hiccups. I tried to make him understand that this was exactly what I needed or I would die of shame and humiliation. He needed to touch me to validate my feelings. I needed him to make the lies I had told Emily about everything I’d ever done with imaginary boys come true. If he touched me, kissed me, and fucked me that night, then I’d stop lying. I’d have no reason to lie anymore.
“Sara, you’re seventeen and you’re my best friend’s under-age sister. I’m going to law school next week; I don’t wanna take advantage of you. Especially in the state my head is in.”
I was about to tell him that I was actually only fifteen, but before I was able to compose my thoughts, he started talking again. He was so beautiful with his messy, disheveled hair no longer slicked back. The slight curve to his upper lip gave him a constant sexy smirk. The boys I knew didn’t have stubble around their jaw, which made me want to pretend I was a real woman and not some stupid, inexperienced fifteen-year-old girl. He smiled at me and it took all my self-restraint not to throw myself at him again.
“Stop smiling at me. You need to be less appealing, Sara! Even your name is perfect. You do know we can’t do this, right? Right? Sara, tell me to fucking leave your room and never come back. Throw me the fuck out, please!” he pleaded, as his face grew serious.
I nodded but couldn’t tear my eyes from him. I couldn’t utter those words. He probably didn’t even know that this was my first kiss. I couldn’t believe that a kiss, just a kiss, could feel like that. At that moment, I only wished for Jeffery to stay with me all night and kiss me the way he did a few minutes ago so I wouldn’t need to lie about anything ever again.
“Kiss me again,” I demanded. I don’t know how I had the nerve to ask him that after what he had said to me. “Please, just a kiss goodnight and I’ll never mention this again. It will be our secret.”
He seemed to contemplate my offer, and I could tell when the devil won. He came at me slow at first, and then the battle was lost and all bets were off. I would’ve let him do anything to me that night. The way he kissed me, tried to inhale me. His hands were in my hair again. Now, I was the one who started to moan as my heart pounded and my pussy violently tingled from that desperate kiss. When he let go of my lips to kiss down my neck, I remember literally feeling like I’d combust, like his touch had ignited every cell within my body. His hands slowly grazed my erect nipples, which I thought would make me convulse in pleasure, and then boom! He just froze and everything stopped. It was as if my nipples woke him up from a spell.
“I can’t do this. I can’t tell if I want you because my brain is telling me that I can’t have you, or because you’re so fucking sexy and innocent and I just wanna ruin you.” He started withdrawing from the space that only seconds ago had been completely invaded by him. “Neither of those reasons are good enough to let myself fuck you tonight.”
“I’m not some virgin, Jeff!” My first lie to him that night, unless you count the lie of omission—not correcting his assumption of my real age. “I’ve fucked plenty of guys. I’m sorry to wreck your delusional fantasy about ruining me, but you’re too late.” Lie number two. “I usually prefer having two guys at once.” The lie that probably sealed my coffin. He silently assessed my divulgence through his drunken, lust-filled haze, trying to decide if those words really came out of my mouth. I knew that The infamous Sara Klein would finally make an appearance that night after all.