and I need to go. If I stay here, yes, my dick will win; I’ll get to fuck her…but then what? I don’t want to think about her and that fucking Jeffery getting it on once we’re done.
“Liam fucking Knight, can you please look at me?” she practically yells at me. I don’t want to look at her. I know that if I look back into her sad eyes, I’ll crack…she’ll make me lose it and I’ll want to make her happy all over again. “Liam, why are you being like this? I want you! Nobody else! But I can’t just pretend that I don’t have a past with him. We just met. We mean nothing to each other. Let’s just finish what we’ve started. I need to have you inside me.” Did she say that? Wow, that actually hurt. I suddenly feel like a prostitute. It’s odd, I don’t remember ever feeling this used before, and yet how could I possibly feel used if I’m using her as a cum-catcher just as much as she’s using me as a cum-donor? I can’t shake this rubbish feeling off. Bollocks!
I finally collect my scattered thoughts and answer, “I don’t want to look at you. I’m sorry, this was a bad idea.” I instantly feel the loss of her hands from my face as she harshly pushes me off her and sprints off the bed. I look at her delicate naked figure as she starts pulling her clothing back on.
Now she’s the one who won’t look at me and I can’t believe I’ve managed to hurt her. I didn’t intend to hurt her, but I just rejected her and she has no idea why. She doesn’t look my way or bloody say a word, but the throbbing in my chest tells me she’s about to cry. I tried to make her forget that arse Jeffery ever existed and now I’m the arse she ought to forget. I thought she could be mine for a bit and I’ve managed to make it all go tits up. My feelings and my issues have ruined what could’ve been perfect—at least momentarily.
“Sara, it came out wrong; let me explain.”
She stops fussing with her shorts and turns to look at me, and that look, those eyes, those unshed tears nearly destroy me. I leap off the bed and grab her so hard that she makes a pained noise before her tears pass over her lower eyelids.
“No, love, please. I’m sorry. I want you and me to be together, but I don’t want to just be someone you use to fuck him out of your system. I want us to not have to fuck anybody out of our systems. I just want us to be together. I ought to be an option, a choice, not a fucking regret.”
Is that really what I want? Her wails echo around me and I think, I’m a stupid wanker. How do I fix this?
“If You Leave” by OMD
Hate and love are different sides of the same coin. I love and hate almost everything and everybody in my life at one point or another. Why this silly, gorgeous man is here and why fate brought us together, I can’t pretend to understand. He pushed me away because he thinks I want Jeffery, but all I can think about is him. I’m pretending to use him to get Jeff out of my system, but that’s a lie. I want Liam and he needs to understand that. I choose him. I won’t allow Jeff to have this kind of hold on me. I refuse to play second fiddle anymore. From this day on, I will not tolerate anybody in my life—even for a day—unless they want me first. I’ve earned that!
I have once again proven to myself that my dam of tears is bottomless. I understand everything he’s said and I feel everything he feels, and yet I can’t stop crying. This makes how many times that I’ve cried today? Why is he still here and not running away? I’m certain that I’ve provided enough evidence to establish that I’m the biggest mess he’s ever going to see. This shit show is slowly starting to get embarrassing. He should go, like now!
“Liam, let go of me. You need to leave.” I can’t even see him clearly with the nonstop stream of tears blurring my vision. He holds me ridiculously tight against his chest and his grip hurts, but I can’t help but wish I had