for London, he finally got the message loud and clear that we’re not meant to be, and that things will never happen for us the way we’ve imagined and longed for. After my move to London, we finally stopped making empty promises that neither one of us could keep, so in essence, we stopped lying, at least to each other.
Liam reaches out and moves my hair away from my face; it’s the second time he’s done this today. It’s not a big deal and it’s not sexual or anything, since I’m betting the farm he’s madly in love with Emily, but I still like it. He accidently brushes my cheek with the back of his fingers tucking my hair behind my ear, and I can’t pretend it doesn’t feel nice. Why couldn’t I meet a guy who was available for me back then? I’ve wasted half of my life pretending, chasing a promise that has amounted to nothing but lies. I don’t want to pretend anymore, I don’t want to lie…
The prospect of telling this perfect stranger my past is making my heart pound at a horror-movie pace. I should tell him that I never do this, and how terrified and unprepared I am to talk about my life and its level of fucked-upness. “Liam, I don’t talk about my life with anybody. I’m not sure I can do this.”
“You’ve told your best mate! Right?”
I shake my head and feel the shame spread like wildfire. “I will lose my best friend if she ever finds out, and Jeffery will have lots of problems if the truth was to ever surface. I probably shouldn’t be talking to you about this at all. You will try to use this information to get to Emily. The only way you and I can talk is if I get some kind of non-verbal assurance from you. Like, you surrendering the files containing your sister’s book to me. I need to know I’m not a pawn in your game of revenge. I haven’t known you long enough to make any assumptions. You should know that Louis is under the impression that you’ve been trying to get that book published and humiliate his family as payback. Is that what all this is about?” I ask him point blank.
Liam is silent, just watching me, and then suddenly, he springs off the bed and storms the room without a second glace or even a word to me. My heart drops at his sudden exit. I pushed him too far. The only person who ever pretended to want to talk to me, hear my problems and maybe make them better just left! This is my life in a nutshell. Everybody leaves me. I turn toward the mirror on the wall and look at my reflection as the tears roll down my face, yet again. This is my life, a perpetual state of tears. I would have thought by now I’d be used to rejection and pain, but surprisingly, it still hurts. I do my best to never let anybody close enough to hurt me. I’ve only bestowed that honor on one person. I close my eyes as I try to escape in my mind to a time before everything hurt, when every day was an adventure and the future had promise. It’s hard for me to find that place all those years ago; every disappointing year takes me further away from it.
“Sara!”
I hear Liam call me from somewhere in the room. I don’t even want to open my eyes and see if he changed his mind and came back. I just want to drown in a happy memory.
“Sara, why are you bloody crying again? Oh fuck, love, no, no, I’m sorry, you didn’t think that…I just ran out to go get something. Sweetheart, please don’t cry—I wasn’t leaving you.”
His words make me want to cry even more. I feel pathetic and worthless; it would be better if he actually did leave. I could go inside my head and find that happy moment and live there for a day or two. I feel him slide back into bed behind me and pull me against him. He wraps his arms around me and tucks his head into my neck whispering, “Sorry” over and over. My brain knows this is a friendly gesture meant to calm the crazy bitch he needs to deal with. However, his presence, his scent makes me feel things I haven’t felt in years. My stomach feels like the